ruralrosy

Hi again

2008-10-01T15:45:00.000-07:00

I forgot I had a blog. My friend Sara moved to New York and is hinting she wants to start one, to which I say "YES" so I can follow her adventures. Which got me to thinking..."Wait a minute!" I have adventures too! (sometimes, not the New York kind, but in my own way I do ) and maybe I can actually articulate them in a place where those who might condescend to stop here can read and follow. (again, they are not ever going to be exciting, not if I can help it!)

So, here I am after a lengthy absence. What has happened??? I started the U of U this fall as a new and fresh man, and it has been really hard, but good. I am about thirteen years older than most of my classmates, and honestly, I find it a touch frustrating (though there are more my age than I thought there would be, which is good). I have never been one for school, and was an extreme disliker of all things high school, and I find there to be more similarities to the high school scene than I had hoped. But what did I expect?
But the actual program itself, the Actors Training Program, is so far much to my liking. Except when I have to make up a movement piece that shows the real me to my class. That was rather petrifying, I don't quiet know how I did it.
I am shy, and I am an aspiring actor/singer/performer... tell me how those work together. Seriously, someone tell me.

Gratitude for Wednesday
I'm grateful it was a happy day- for no reason at all, a good day sprang up out of the blue in the middle of lots of crap days.
I'm grateful my house was cleaned today (not by me, which is even more reason for gratitude)
I'm grateful I actually talked to some people today.
I'm grateful there is a glimmer of hope that Rex might actually get some real help for this hellish business that is running him, and running me...

Distracted

2008-05-07T20:59:00.000-07:00

I guess I have been distracted with all of the internet channels used to communicate. I feel like I've been cheating on my blog with Facebook. Sorry, blog, to neglect you. I don't even really like Facebook that much, and I think of you the whole time I'm there.

Time marches on, and it is so gradual sometimes that I don't even notice it. I am done with spring semester only to hop into summer semester next Monday. Then up to the U of U in the fall. If you can call August the fall. I am very schooled out. But it's just beginning. I only hope that my acting classes will be better that English 2010 (argument essays are what I imagine hell to be) I think that's another reason I haven't written in here- I am so tired of writing. And to think I almost became an English major. What was this brain thinking? Actually, that is the problem... it can't do that so well...

The biggest news since last I wrote is that we got our yard installed. After almost three years of mud and weeds, we are now officially a house. I gave a talk in sacrament meeting a couple of Sundays ago that was all about weeds. I have become very familiar with them in this town. I bought my first tree today to plant. It's a flowering cherry and it doesn't really go with the exterior of my house, but I don't care. It's so beautiful. I seriously got all teary when I saw it. I knew it had to be mine. Trees are scarce where I am, and seven years ago when we moved here I was struck with urgency to plant some trees. It's been a long wait. I pray it doesn't die.

Gratitude for Today
1/ I am grateful for a clean bathroom
2/I am grateful I can see. (see #5)
3/I am grateful I got my Mother's Day gifts all figured out. It's always so hard to know what to get.
4/I'm grateful for my treadmill.
5/I'm grateful Rex can see. It wasn't the case last week when he sprayed crap in his eyes, and for one day I knew what it would be like to have a blind hubby. It sure would change things, and I am glad his sight returned. Scary. There is so much to be grateful for.

A New Bubuh

2008-03-28T18:12:00.000-07:00

TAH DAH!!!! Here she is, the latest addition in my gaggle of nieces and nephews. I missed the delivery by an hour, because of my history test. My sister was induced this morning and five hours later the cutie was born- I thought I had plenty of time, but I would have skipped class had I known how fast she was going to come!!! We are all so excited to have another baby in the family- and this one was kind of a bonus because my sister thought she wasn't going to have any more kids ( she turns 41 in another month) But I am so happy that she is here and that everything went smoothly. A happy day!!! I get to be a doting auntie once again!

Refreakinfrigerator

2008-03-12T22:57:00.000-07:00

It took me SIX HOURS to clean my fridge yesterday, and I am very bitter. As if I didn't have better things to do. But it got to the point where I was just shoving things in there, and it couldn't be born no mo'. I have cleared Tuesdays of school and work to dedicate to organizing my cluttered house. Last Tuesday I did major laundry all day, and I can actually walk into my laundry room now. But this kind of work sure takes its toll. This is not my strength nor my joy in life, being organized. It does keep me sane, and I enjoy a clean house just as much as anybody, but it's amazing how frustrating it is to have to spend all of your one day off cleaning-it's so exhausting. And I thought that I would be able to get to both my fridge and freezer yesterday, but the one side took the entire day. I don't mean to complain, because I am lucky to have a house, a fridge, and a laundry room. But my house is too blasted big. I wish I would have chosen a smaller plan, but we got excited at the chance to build our dream house, that I didn't think of how long it would take me to clean it. Which I don't really know because I mainly just don't clean. I shove things into the closets. This is kind of a confession for me, because I really feel like I do pretty well mostly, but I have been lying to myself. Which I think I deep down knew inside, because I had a feeling that fridge would be difficult. At one point, after I had emptied everything out, I found myself scraping some kind of red goo that had oozed down and fossilized against the back wall of my fridge behind the drawers. In a moment of utter exhaustion, I closed the fridge with the scrubber and the 409 inside while they got all nice and chilled. I lay there prostrate at the foot of the beasty icebox until I realized I had to go on, or all the food would have spoiled. I'm so mad.

Gratitude for Wednesday....

1-I'm grateful that we have a sewer hook up, some places here in Lake Point have septic tanks- even though we did go to court over the hook up fees. (we did win, though)

2- I am grateful that we have someone coming out next week to give us an estimate for our landscaping. I cannot wait to get our lawn in....

3-I'm grateful to be home.

4-I'm grateful next week is spring break

5- Can't think of a fifth-Oh- I'm grateful for freedom. That's always a really really good one.

Traddles

2008-02-26T20:39:00.001-08:00

Here is my dog.....

Traddles....

The sunshine of my life, and the bain of my existence.

The reason I write five things I am grateful for in this blog is because of my tendency to be ungrateful. I have been making it a point not to be grateful just to be grateful, but to look around and what really is fabulous in my life, and to realize how happy it makes me. For instance, Traddles. I am so grateful (mostly!) for my little dog. He is a pain in the arse, but he is so freaking cute. I appreciate so much his little face, how such a creature could come into existence and brighten mine. I have had him for almost six years, and every day he makes me smile. He is spoiled, bad, and he bites me when I try to brush his teeth or his hair, ( or put leg warmers on him) but it's all my fault. I feed his badness, and have created a little two pound monster. He knows he has me wrapped around his cute little paw. When I am at school or otherwise bored, I doodle pictures of Traddles in my notebook. I can't draw to save my life, but am amazed at how well I capture his essence. I will need to be committed to a mental hospital the day he leaves this world, if it is without me. It is sick, I know-- we have a very unhealthy relationship, he and I. But we need each other, and I am grateful to be needed by a creature as swell as he is. I think that suffices for my gratitude for today, don't you think?

Comment probs

2008-02-08T00:41:00.001-08:00

Sorry if I don't leave a comment on your blog. I have stopped trying because it says my password is invalid, and I am, to paraphrase the words of the spleen of lucy, tech-motarded. So even though I don' t comment, (or comment anonymously because it's the only way i can...) I am reading and loving your updates.

Mr. Pollyanna

2008-02-04T19:24:00.000-08:00

So I was driving my voice teacher to the bank today after our lesson ( it's not very Christian, but I intenstly dislike giving him a ride-he's pretending he still lives in New York where you can get by without a car without inconviencing anyone, plus he's my voice teacher and I think it's unprofessional to ask your student for a ride) and I was really trying hard to make conversation. When you are trying to make small talk to someone you don't really connect socially with, you comment on the weather right? I was talking about how happy I was that the snow had cleared up this afternoon, because it has been awful lately- we have had so much snow, and I am so so tired of it. And what a lot of people say around here when we complain about the weather is that we should be so grateful because come summer we will be really glad we had this winter, we need the water etc, etc. Which is what I used to say. Until I said that to a hairdresser once, and she said " I hate it when people say that!!!" I normally would have been offended by this, but the way she said it wasn't offensive, and I thought about that today when Mr. Cheery was trying to look at the bright side of this most depressing and unending snow. He went on and on about how awful the drought has been, and it just said to me- "You are depressing, and negative, and I am going to show you the bright side of all this beautiful white stuff so you can appreciate it in a new way, because you obviously don't, you drought lover"
And I had to agree w/ my hairdresser- I hate it when people say that we need the snow!!!!! Especially people who don't have a car and don't have to risk their lives driving in it!!!! Grrrrrrrr!!!

Gratitude for today
1-I am grateful the snow cleared up today and the sun peeked out, you!
2-I am grateful that I finally had the motivation to add my links so I can keep better tabs with you all- Sorry its taken so long!
3-I'm grateful for the delicious dinner compliments of Siegfried's. Their sourdough bread, sauerkraut, and Weiswurst (spelling, Lolly?) is so heavenly.
4-I'm grateful for the tulips I have blooming by my kitchen sink.
5-I'm grateful I let go of the idea of studying tonight. It's just not going to happen, and I am glad to accept the fact.
6. Okay, I'm not grateful for the snow right at this precise moment, but I do like having water to drink- there, I did it!!

Catching up

2008-02-01T20:03:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I have written, and I need to stop thinking I need to be profound or entertaining when I write, not that any of my previous posts are either of those things, but I guess I just need to let go of my idea that I need to have something exciting going on in my life to let everyone in on before I write.
January is over, thank heavens. Not that February or March are going to be much better, but I am so ready for winter to be over, and the fact that it is February makes it that much closer to spring.
School is going pretty well I guess, I didn't go to class today. ( please do not follow this example, you young nephew of mine that may read this.) I just had too many other things that needed to be done, and I need a break. But mainly I like going to class. Both of my professors are extremely entertaining, I never know what is going to happen. My last class had my english professor growling at certain students. He seriously growls, like a monster on the muppets. He closes his eyes, sticks his tongue out , and growls with his hands at his ears.... I so so so wish you could see him. It's unbelievable. He is probably the most eccentric professor I have ever had. And this is including one of my old music theory professors that I though could never be beat. I don't know why he is the way he is, but I am so glad for it. Although it is a little creepy when he talks about getting out his syringe and killing us...where do these people come from?

I have an audition next Saturday for the Actor's Training Program up at the University of Utah. This idea came to me over Christmas, and I decided that this was my next course of action in my academic/artistic life. Whether or not I get in is another story, but auditioning is my next step. It was all I could do to get the application in-what with asking people to write letters of recommendation for me, and coming up with a 500 word essay on why I want to make theatre my career path... not my cup o' tea. I know this is standard procedure for some people, but not for me. This was the equivalent of climbing Everest for old Rural Rosy. But it's all finished and sent in, thank heavens, and now all I have to do is go audition, hah! I thought the application was nerve racking...
And then there is the NATSAA singing competition I have thrown my hat into-That happens March 1st, and I have eighteen songs (in three different languages besides english) to memorize and get into my voice-I haven't sung classically like this for a long time, but it's been very good for me to get back into shape, vocally. I have come to the amazing realization that I do not have to be a perfect singer to do this, and it has been sort of liberating. Sort of. Singing is a hugely love-hate endeavor for me- one day I am screaming and throwing things because of how badly I sound, then next day I am thinking I am the most amazing thing ever. Talk about bipolar.

So there is the update, I am now caught up.

Gratitude List
1-I am really glad I have a husband who gets obessive about fixing cars-i don't have to wait long for new windshield wipers
2-I'm grateful I am decent at growing house plants- its surprisingly rewarding, especially in the winter
3-I'm grateful for my treadmill
4-I'm grateful for the prospect of getting our landscaping in this year-I think it will drastically improve my mood ( i have a feeling I am my mother's daughter, we will see!)
5-I am grateful that I had the energy yesterday to deep clean my bedroom. There is something so heavenly about having things really really clean. I wish it would stay that way forever...

Ferally I say unto you...

2007-12-04T17:43:00.001-08:00

I just finished dispensing scoopfuls of food to my feral cats for dinner. These are big scoops, because I have nine of them to feed. Nine. And please don't ask me about the ordeal I went through a few weeks ago trapping them to take them in to get fixed. It wasn't fun. No, no. Okay fine, I'll tell you...

I about flipped out when the mama cat responsible for seven of my nine cats (picured above)came out of her anesthesia and bashed her head repeatedly against the cage she was being held in. And I mean BASHED. She was hysterically panting and bloody, and I had no other choice than to let her out because I thought she was gonna kill herself in there. But once I let her out I realized it was worse to free her. She was still woozy from the drugs, and when she tried to run away from the big scary human responsible for her condition, she just kind of flipped around. She got tangled up in the fence, did some somersaults, and basically just druggedly wound her way as far from me as possible. But there was nothing I could do but try and catch her, because I couldn't let a cat that had just been trapped, held overnight, cut open, sewn up and drugged out into the mercies of the wild. It was SO TRAUMATIC. It was the worst out of control feeling ever- to just let that poor cat out. The rest of the cats were just fine when I let them out, and they were all back to normal the very next day. There was no sign that they had been through any trauma at all except that the little tips of their left ears were now cut off. The universal sign of a feral cat. ( this was why mama cat was all bloody- she reopened her ear wound from all the head bashing) Anyway, I cried myself to sleep a few days later when mama cat still hadn't resurfaced. I thought she was dead for sure. How happy I was when she showed her beautiful orange and white face the next evening at dinnertime. It's been about a month since that event, and she must not be too mad at me, because I still see her sweet face in my back door window.

It's been a year since I started feeding this mama cat, at the time she had one little kitten with her. She still won't let me come near her, and now she knows her instincts were correct. I wish she would forget about it, forgive me, and move on. It was the only thing to do, because she needs to stop having a litter every year (or more, who knows!) I would have had fifty cats back there by next year, and there is no affording cat food for that many cats. As it is , I still have one more female to catch- I have fixed eight of the nine. If I don't get that last one trapped and fixed, I could have more on my hands this time next year. It's out of control, I tell you.

At long last

2007-11-29T08:40:00.000-08:00

I just received an email from my nephew who told me I needed to update my blog- I decided to do it today so I didn't get all the way into December before I wrote again. My life has been totally crazy, and I haven't had one ounce of time or energy to write anything but papers for school. It has been my first semester back in years, and I am so so glad that it's almost over. It's a miracle that I have lasted the entire semester without dropping my classes-and I don't mean that lightly. It is a total miracle. I think three is the right amount of classes for me to take right now, because I feel like I am making some progress, but I am not too burned out that I don't want to return. ( I'm already registered for next semester- another complete miracle)
As far as other things that have happened in the last three months, I can't really think of anything because it's all been school and work. Yikes! I sound so NORMAL! Oh well!

Gratitude for Today
1/ I'm grateful that I could somehow find the energy to do my Kathy Smith workout today.
2/I'm grateful for my flannel sheets- I put them on yesterday and they are so cosy and clean.
3/I'm grateful for my house. I have been doing a paper on homeless teenagers, and I don't know what I would do if I didn't have anywhere to go. Seriously.
4/ I am grateful that I can hear. It would be so hard to be deaf.
5/ I am thinking this is kind of a cheesy thing to do , writing what I am thankful for in every post. Is it too cheesy? Oh well. I am grateful for cheese- with no sugar in my diet (except for when I cheat) cheese really curbs my sweet tooth.

Lame reruns

2007-09-10T22:39:00.001-07:00

So I was just reading some old posts and realized that this is the second time I have written about my throat constrictions, and also the second time I have written about my Wal-mart escapades. I think I've said all there is to say, when I start repeating that lame stuff.... Is it possible to delete a blog? I thougth I saw a button somewhere. My life is just one bad rerun after another.

2007-09-10T21:54:00.000-07:00

I am afraid to go to sleep tonight. I am afraid to try, because the past couple of nights I have just tossed and turned, and I start to get afraid of my bedroom, because I know what to look foward to in there. Insomniac experts will tell you something I already know- if you have trouble sleeping, leave the bedroom. This will prevent your bedroom from being a place of stress. I already figured that one out. I want to keep my bedroom a happy sleepy place, and it just isn't that for me lately. So I leave as soon as I know it's not gonna happen for me.
Tonight I am doubly wary of my ability to fall asleep, because I am getting a cold. There are a few things that REALLY keep me from sleep, and one of them is a cold. Specifically, the thing that happens that I call "the constriction". I get this tightening thing going on when the cold moves down into my esophogas and squeezes it. I can't really describe it any other way, but it's the pits. I think the anticipation I feel when it starts is worse than anything. All at once, my dreams of a good night's sleep are out the window, and I just have to move on to other things besides slumber. I know you probably don't want to hear my throat woes, but there you have it.

You know another thing that keeps me awake? When my knees are cold. It's the most dumb thing ever, and I hate that I just wrote it out loud.

Gratitude for Monday-

1/ I had another confrontation at Wal Mart when I tried to take my dog in with me, but this one had a happy ending. I didn't leave in a huge huff. We worked it out, the greeter and me. It was cool, even if it was a little stressful and I did sort of cry. But it has been a lot worse, and though this could have been, it wasn't. Maybe there's hope for me, after all!
2/I don't what my life would be like if I hadn't discovered "The Office." I would probably get along just fine, but I can't stand how funny that show is.
3/I'm grateful I am in school again. It's an adjustment and my brain kind of hurts being used after years of atrophy, but I am seriously grateful in so many ways.
4/I'm grateful for clean sheets.
5/I'm grateful that this day is over and I am home.

The Great Dupression

2007-08-02T00:39:00.000-07:00

Please, if anyone is reading this, ignore the time of day I am writing. It starts to get embarrassing when the only time I find to write is in the middle of the night- I am sure my posts would be much more coherent if they were written during normal business hours.

Anyway- these days, I am THE SAD KING. My dad owns a publishing company that publishes educational materials, and growing up we worked at his office- most of us kids. We put together books to ship to schools, and one of the books was titled THE SAD KING. The cover was red with a simple illustration of this cute little king of some land, who was SAD. My sister Lolly probably remembers the story of The Sad King, but all I recall is how we laughed at the title, and for years have used it in our repertoire of inside jokes. For instance, the other day Lolly and I went to the movie "La Vie en Rose". If you have seen it you may know why, when the movie ended, she declared in a mournful voice that she was The Sad King. It was a really depressing movie. I don't have any right to be sad since my life wasn't nearly as hard as Edith Piaf's, but in my own little way, I have hard things to deal with that are getting me down. It's been almost eight years since I was diagnosed w/ bipolar disorder, and I am still trying to figure out how to deal with the sads. I never quite get used to it, and I still can't seem to find a medication that helps. It's rather frustrating, because I have tried most of them out there. I haven't been in a depression that has lasted this long that I can recall. I usually have something that pulls me out of it sooner or later, but for the past year, I have just basically been trying to keep my head above water. It could have something to do with:
1. another year of trying & not getting preggers ( man it's getting old- time to adopt)
2. my husband deciding to opt out of the whole church-going Mormon thing
3. general everyday stress (which I don't handle well, even in the best of situations.)

Whatever the cause, I am just not reacting positively to fear and pain. I pretty much have been avoiding situations and people who might trigger the sads- baby showers, church activities, (sometimes church in general) friends w/ kids, etc, etc. Its not that I actually feel sad that I don't have a baby ( I actually feel relieved at times) it's just that I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I HATE that. I never understood it when people said they don't want pity- until recently. Because lately I have been getting a bit of pity, and it is humiliating to the extreme. Yes, I want someone to talk to who will listen IF I feel like talking about things, but I don't want to be felt sorry for. As you may have gathered from certain previous posts, I do that pretty well for myself. So I probably am not helping matters by isolating myself, but I just can't deal with it, not right now.

Lolly and I have a song we made up when we were little ( or did Jill make it up???) Anyway, the lyrics are simple:
"I'm Saaaaad, I'm Saaaaad"

You sing this twice, with a minor third interval jump between the I'm and the Saaaad. It also has really nerdy choreography that involves a spreading of the arms and a sort of tilting thing with your head....and somehow it expresses the state of anguish rather well. It also can't help but distract you- you can't sound and look that mojected without cracking up a little. And if you want to nerd it up even more, you are welcome to close your eyes when your singin' it, really get into it. Yes sir.

Gratitude for the middle of the night:
1/I'm grateful that I don't feel as jealous of Stephenie Meyer as I did earlier tonight. I wish I could be her, but the stabs of envy have subsided a little. I need to stop looking at her website, although I will not stop reading her books over and over, not yet. God give me the strength to quite comparing myself to ANYONE, not just highly accomplished authors of really good vampire novels.

That's all I've got.

The GROWTH

2007-07-20T21:58:00.000-07:00

It has not been the best week of my life. It all started off with a yucky audition on Sunday that I don't really want to talk about. I think that I am finally starting to recover, six days later. Nothing like an audition to make you feel like a loser. Not that I don't already feel that way all the time anyway. But it is just made glaringly obvious during an audition; whereas at other times, it is merely a vague awareness. A vague awareness, like a growth on the side of my head that I can't seem to get rid of. That everyone else can see, except me, although I can feel it. At times I do my best to disguise it-- pretend that it is really not there, cover it up-- but somehow ( like at an audition) my cover gets blown, and it's all out there for everyone to gape at. Except that it's more like they avert their eyes and try to ignore the growth. Ignore the loserness.

I really know how to feel sorry for myself, don't I??? It's one of my unloseriest traits. I'm good at that, at least. I wonder if that is why I keep auditioning, to find ways to feel sorry for myself when I don't get the part. I may have too much fun pity-partying in my head to give it up. It's quite a bash, you should come sometime. ( whoever you are)

Gratitude for Friday

1. I'm grateful that I reached my goal for the day- Exercise for 1/2 hour-
Hopefully tomorrow I will have reached my goal for the week, too.
2. I'm grateful that I haven't had much of an appetite this week- It's a nice switch
to actually be able to turn down food!
3. I'm grateful that Weber State University is a feasible commute
from my house- maybe I can actually go!
4. I'm grateful that I caught my dog before he went #2 on my neighbor's yard. They were sitting out on their front porch, watching him circle around on their grass... Whew! Close call! ( yet so embarrassing.)
5. I'm grateful that I feel like singing again.

A brilliant discovery

2007-06-21T14:27:00.000-07:00

My discovery today is that when I go the Wal-Mart without makeup on, it triggers something in my universe that says, " Go on, Wal-mart cashier, make a big mistake on my transaction so I can flip out at you in the most unattractive way possible". This has happened more than once, and today was a telltale sign that this is becoming a pattern. There is something about the customer service in Tooele that grates on my nerves so intensely that I try to avoid the place altogether. If I weren't so far from stores in general, I wouldn't be at the mercy of my local Wal-mart or any store in Tooele, but I am. Why does it have to happen on the days when I don't wear any makeup??? I looked ghastly today. G H A S T L Y. My play opens tonight in which I play a woman in a concentration camp, and I purposely did not put on an ounce of make-up. And I was up until 5:00 this morning because my esophagus does this funky thing where it constricts around the throat area and I cannot sleep ( inevitably a cold follows - it's my little getting sick routine ). So I have these fabulous dark PUFFY circles under my eyes, my skin is sallow, I have zits, and the effect is just what I want for my character tonight. But not what I want when I go to the Tooele Wal-Mart. Because, like I said, I have this thing where I flip out. My little sister has a thing with the New York Transit system where she occasionally flips out ( you know what I am talking about, Lolly?) Well, my flip outs are the same as hers are, only with my local cashiers.

I am flipping out in general. Months of working all day, being in a rehearsal all night, church callings, commuting, my house being a disaster all the time, being sick, being grouchy- I am sort of reaching a breaking point. It doesn't exactly feel like it until I look at my behavior and realize (with the matter-of-fact observation of my husband) that maybe am not the horrible person I think I am, maybe I am just tired. Maybe that is what all mean people are, just tired. Cause that is why I was mean today.

I finally got to sleep at around 5:30 this morning ( yay!), only to be awakened by the doorbell and the dog's subsequent barking at 6:30 a.m.... GRRRRRRR. My husband's employee. I have a vague recollection of waking up and being annoyed, but I have no memory of calling this nice, hardworking employee a f...ing a..hole. Which apparently is what I said about him, to my husband, in my sleep.

I am now dropping the f-bomb in my sleep. And I teach Primary kids songs about Jesus.

Nice.

Gratitude for Thursday:

I am so grateful for dancing. It is one thing in my life that comes fairly naturally to me. Everything else is such an uphill battle. I have had so much fun dancing in this play.

I am grateful for central air.

I am grateful that I have next week off work.

But I am also very grateful for my job.

I am grateful that the huge truck that almost hit me last night didn't. It would have been my fault, and I would have been in the hospital today instead of losing it at the Wal-Mart. I am glad it worked out the way it did. I need to be more careful on the roads.

A fall from grace

2007-06-03T23:21:00.001-07:00

I ate sugar today.

Those of you who know me know that I do NOT eat sweets with refined sugar in them.

I have eaten sugar on purpose.

I've had accidents before.

This was not an accident.

My neighbor brought by a pina colada shake.

I drank it.

Moments later another neighbor came by with some beautiful Finnish pastries.

I was home alone.

I ate four of them.

I ATE FOUR OF THEM.

Was it worth it, you say???

Oh my no.

Aside from feelings of self-disgust, I'm sporting a killer headache, intense irritability, and my stomach has bloated up like a pillow. I also am rather hopped up so sleep isn't going to come for a while. All of these great reminders to NEVER do that again. What was I thinking??? I think I just forgot what it does to me. Now I remember.

Sugar is no good for me, no good, no good.
I need to eat sugar free, for good, for good.

I can't believe I didn't erase that.

Gratitude:
1/Clouds to cover up the blaring sun
2/sugar free sweets
3/my pretty petunias on the front porch
4/petzyme
5/a good hair day

2007-05-31T03:20:00.001-07:00

It's embarrassing that I am writing this @ 4:20 a.m... Yes, I am one of those people who write when they can't sleep. It seems to be the only time that I feel like writing. I have been really sick the past few days. I have been so glad to be sick, strangely enough. It has been an excuse to be home in bed, somewhere that I have not been enough lately. So although I was so happy to have slept all day yesterday, it has screwed up my sleeping schedule so I am awake all night. It doesn't help that my DOG had to wake me up to go out- otherwise I might have been asleep instead. I am not happy with that little prince. Sometimes I love him, other times he is so annoyingly spoiled I just want to... well, I don't want to say because it sounds like animal cruelty. But I think I am guilty of animal cruelty anyway by how terribly I have spoiled that dog. There is no hope for him.

I haven't written in a really long time because I have been incredibly overscheduled since April. I was in Proof which played the first two weekends in May, and now I am in another production called Who Will Carry the Word which plays at the end of June. Whenever I am in a play it just puts my life into a whole new level of chaos- I am so tired ALL OF THE TIME and I get so sick of not having any energy. I don't know that I would be any less tired if I weren't committed to these projects. It just frustrates me to no end to have to drag myself around ALL OF THE TIME. Performing takes the most energy out of me than anything else I have been involved in in my life. Not necessarily the actual performing, but the preparation, the rehearsal, the thinking and gearing up for the performance, not to mention late night rehearsals to throw off my already erratic sleeping schedule. And then on top of that, this next one I'm in has me doin' modern dance. So now I'm sore as well. And I feel like I'm going to get struck by lightening or something by complaining, because there have been so many times in my life where I would have killed to be in a show, and here I am whiningI about it. I am the classic personality who is never satisfied, even when I get what I want. Which is why I made sure to include gratitude in my blog, so I can work on that defect, however small the attempt may be.

Gratitude :
1/ I'm grateful that I don't have rehearsal till next Tuesday
2/I'm grateful that my hubby cleaned the living room
3/I'm grateful that my boss is so flexible with me
4/Food
5/Sleep

Meandering milk

2007-04-04T23:48:00.000-07:00

Yesterday there was a cow in my backyard. When I first saw it, it was just sitting there, on the back half of the acre. The funny thing is, it took me a minute to realize it probably shouldn't be there. It looked so natural and relaxed- very at home. I am so used to having strange animals around ( as you may have discovered in me previous posts) that I didn't immediately feel panicked like I did a few years ago when there was a goat down my stairwell. But that's another story. Although... both the goat and cow stories have striking similarities. Both times I called the cops, both times they told me that Wally, the guy who is equipped to come and collect large animals, ( like cows and goats) only works every other day. And wouldn't you know it, both times happened to be Wally's day off, so I am stuck with a large animal that I have no idea what to do with. And both times the animals wandered off. Because both times I tried to get near them and tie them up till help could come, they would run away. I wrote our local paper a sort of gripey letter back during the goat incident, saying that we needed better animal control. The sheriff's department called me all concerned because they printed my letter in the editorial section and apparently made them look bad, which I really didn't mean to do. I was just mad that I had spent an hour cleaning up after the goat's poopies in my stairwell. I had to vent to somebody, and a letter to the editor seemed like the natural place to send it. But here's the funny thing: when the sheriff's department called me back when they discovered my letter about the goat, they told me they would get better equipment to collect stray animals larger than dogs... BUT THEY DIDN"T. Because when I talked to Deputy whoever yesterday ( four years later) about the cow, they said they couldn't come get him because they didn't have the equipment to collect large farm animals. Isn't that just like politics? Makin' us all these promises they don't intend to keep, just to get our votes. I am so disillusioned. All over a cow.

Gratitude for April 4
1/creative outlets
2/my job
3/pansies
4/another day w/my puppy
5/Hires french fries ( I always have to add some kind of food)

Sludge

2007-03-28T17:53:00.000-07:00

It is snowing today and I am highly upset. I can relate very well to the wet cats sitting across the street on my neighbors porch. They are so miserable. It's one of those wet, soggy, sloshy snows and for some reason it is out to get me. It has gotten under my skin from the moment I woke up. I've known and have been preparing mentally for this storm for a week, so you'd think I would have accepted it by now. I haven't. It's time for spring to come and to stay, so I can go outside, and do the "dump in my backyard" clean-up. Yes, I have a miniature landfill that is located about thirty yards from the back of my house. Old rusted metal, barbed wire, tires, boards, you name it, it has been laying there rusting for who knows how many years before we moved here. I think that is one of the reasons we got our land for such a great deal. Somehow it hasn't bothered me as much as I thought it would. When we first moved in, we called the county health department to put the heat on our neighbors to get rid of it. ( the pile straddles the property line between us, but it's their pile...) Anyway, their solution was to light it on fire, which reduced it to about half it's size. Now all that is left is the inflammable material, and that never did get cleaned up. I guess the county gave up on their threatenings. I am secretly glad they did, because I have decided this spring to clean it up myself, since obviously I am the only one around here that wants it gone. Each week I fill the garbage can up with the refuse, and slowly but surely it is getting a bit smaller. There are a few huge pieces that we will have to haul to the dump, but I am having so much fun. Since we don't have our landscaping put in yet, there hasn't been any reason for me to work outside, and now this dump pile has given me an excuse. It also is extremely satisfying, getting rid of crap that has been sitting there rusting for years. I take my puppy out with me, and we enjoy the beautiful spring weather, the meadowlarks singing, the sun shining down on us...

Then all of a sudden, it decides to stop being spring and snow sogginess all over the place. Grrrrrr.

Woe is me

2007-01-12T21:54:00.000-08:00

So this month I am a costumer. How did I get here? I am a costumer who cannot sew. Okay, here's the story. I am in a play for a brand new theater company of which I am a part. By that I mean that I actually have a part in their very first play, "Arcadia", and I am an ensemble member, which means that I take part in bi-monthly workshops, and such. The group is called the Pinnacle Acting Company, and I am actually not sure how on earth I got hooked up with it. Yes, I've been performing quite steadily the past few years, but things have taken a direction I am not sure I want to go in, but that I am also rather excited about. Or at least I thought I was excited... right now I am really overwhelmed and tired. Because , as I said, I am also in charge of costumes, and it has turn into a much more massive project than I ever dreamed, and I feel drained and lonesome as a result. Why does costuming make me feel lonely??? I do not like to be in charge for one thing. I want people to take care of me, not me taking care of them! Costumers are notorious in the theater world for being very grouchy and mean, and I am starting to understand why. It is dang hard to find everybody something that fits, and to find time to fit them and to find something that is the correct time period... I have been all over town pulling costumes and I don't even feel like I have scratched the surface. I should look at the bright side, see all that I have accomplished so far, but all I can think about is how much more I have to do. And that is just the costumes-then there is the memorizing of lines, character development, selling tickets, printing programs, and dealing with my feelings of complete inadequacy as an actor and just a freakin' person in general. What was that noise? I think I hear violins playing for me... waa waa.

I told you this is where I come to vent...

Gratitude for Friday-
1/Bunny tracks sugar-free ice cream
2/the fact that I did find some perfect
costumes for my character today
3/the other fact that its Friday
4/my cute new haircut & color- it was
way past time
5/my cute dad

Eternal Fall

2006-11-30T17:18:00.000-08:00

So my favorite fall in history is now over. Not my favorite fall event-wise, but my favorite fall weather-wise. Usually autumn in Utah is very short and disappointing...but this year? It stretched from early September until just a few days ago when we got our first snowstorm. AFTER thanksgiving, even. There is something so incredibly invigorating about the fall. Maybe it's because it's my birthday-time ( October) or maybe it's such a relief after the long stiflingly hot summers. My perfect weather is about 70-75 degrees and sunny... not summer-sunny, but fall- sunny-- there is a distinct difference. The sun is more intense in the fall, I swear. And the sunflowers this year.... vibrant city. We get incredible sunflowers along the highways and the mountains. One day I was walking along my favorite dirt trail up from my house, and I walked through a grove of sunflowers with the afternoon sun shining through them and I had to stop and cry I was so happy. I seriously couldn't take in the happiness. And as there were a few bitter moments this fall, (as I said, event-wise, it wasn't the best) the beauty of the season was a constant comfort for me. It is strange, but I am sure that is why I appreciated it more. Sometimes I notice the simple beauties of life more when I am struggling with something. Sad, but true.

Goodbye, best fall ever. I will miss all the orange.

Gratitude for Thursday:

1/ My funnest friend from the cast called me today and said he would
be able to come to the cast party I am having at my house tomorrow. I
am so glad is able to make it. He is hilarious.
2/This sounds weird, but I am grateful I saw some peacocks perched atop some
huge trees by our church yesterday. They are owned by the people living in the house below the trees, but I don't know why or how they got up there. I didn't know they could fly that high, and what on earth were they doing? They looked like those vultures from Jungle Book sittin' on a bare tree, only they were peacocks. Can someone please explain this to me? It was so cool and entertaining. I've learned so much about birds living here.
3/I am grateful for leftover night. It's great to not have to cook AND to get rid of all the food in the fridge. Make way for the new!
4/I am grateful my hubster and I are going on a short getaway for our anniversary. It's hard to have an anniversary in December. I can imagine how people w/ birthdays in December feel.
5/I am grateful for my cutest fluffiest puppykins. It's unbearable how much I love him.

There's no business....

2006-11-10T22:36:00.000-08:00

It's the eve of the final day of yet another production... and this one has been especially intense. I have learned so much about myself and my limitations, vocally and otherwise. This is both a good and a bad thing. Another good and bad thing is that I have met some amazing people who I am going to sorely miss. ( good that I met them, bad that I won't see them anymore.) The one consolation is that next week I am going to New York with a friend from the cast... I can hardly wait.

What has made this show so intense??? It's hard to say, but mainly the fact that it seems to have gobbled up most of my energy and time since August. I won't know what to do with myself when it's officially over. It's strange how we adjust. It almost killed me at first to give up all of that time, and now I am almost counting on my crazy schedule. Theater is completely nuts. You go through this intense experience with a group of people, and get to know them in a way that you don't even know your closest friends or relatives, and then it ends. Not just the relationships, but the show, too. This creation that you work so hard to put together, the costumes, make-up, hair, characters, music, dancing, and all of the sudden- POOF! It's gone... and all you have left are a few pictures and lots of memories. And the next question is always... what's next????

That's what I'd like to know!!!

Gratitude
1. My new luggage (purple, of course!)
2. Being home
3. Forgiveness ( I sure need it often)
4. seeing friends I hadly ever see
5. stuffed mushrooms

Bandwagon Blog

2006-10-05T22:29:00.000-07:00

I am jumping on the bandwagon of bloggers I've read recently who write out what they do in a day- i.e., their daily routine. Problem is I don't have daily routine to really speak of, but I will attempt to flesh it out for you.

8:00 or so: wake up and snuggle with the Mudgie ( my dog) He is especially sweet when he wakes up and will give us lots of kisses which he never otherwise does. Take him out for the morning potty, and praise him heartily when he returns from the event. ( he knows he's a good boy and shows it)
After this I usually eat. Food is the first thing on my mind in the morning, and since I don't work everyday, is many times the one reason I have to get out of bed ( besides the dog). Boy I sure love Great Grains with Pecans, although on my good days I eat oatmeal and fruit when I have the time to cook it. I have been avoiding oatmeal lately because I only like the kind you get at the Welfare Cannery and I am out and have to rely on the sick big -oat oatmeal you get at the grocery store. So I opt for my yummy pecan cereal instead. I really need to take a trip to the cannery but it sure depresses me. ( I hate wearing a hair cap.. I feel so lunch lady-- do any of you know what I am talking about????) But I digress.
On my really good girl days I next vocalize. Right now I am working on some music for a concert I am soloing in next week, so I am extra motivated since I am singing opera for the first time in years and I am freaked out enough to practice.
Then the dreaded shower. I hate to shower. I just takes so long to get ready. I need to simplify somehow, because sometimes it just doesn't even happen. ( more days than I care to admit) My hair is getting longer and thicker, takes forever to dry, and some days there is just no point because I don't really go anywhere.

After that I usually clean my house. Laundry... I love to do laundry. I am always up for a load of laundry, especially in the morning. The sound of the washer going really makes me feel like I am up and at 'em. Then I write in my morning pages ( something I am supposed to do when I first wake up) pray, and read scriptures. My scripture study usually consists of opening a random page and reading a verse or two while I eat a meal. It is so pathetic and I have guilt over it.

As I do with a lot of things.

Next is my job in SLC ( which I don't want to talk about) then home for a quick couple of hours, then back to SLC rehearsal for the third production of the Secret Garden. I am officially sick of the Secret Garden.

But evening is when I truly have a routine, more or less. I get home from rehearsal at about 10:38. My hubby has long since gone to bed, and the puppy knows that this is his time with me. We play, he eats, I give him his Kong ( a treat- stuffed dog puzzle) check my email, phone messages, and get ready for bed. I love the nighttime and stay up way longer than I should. It's quiet and peaceful, I don't feel guilt that I should be doing something else with the day, because the day is almost over and I shouldn't be expected to start anything too strenuous before bed, should I???

My life is extremely good but I still manage to feel like the world's biggest loser. I honestly don't know what to do about that. I gotta stop it.

There you have it.

Gratitude for Today
1/My totally incredible kind supportive loving husband
2/ The new pot for my plant
3/wonderful scents ( food, spiced wassail candles, coconut lime verbena)
4/classical music
5/public radio and television

A Realization

2006-10-03T22:09:00.000-07:00

My husband and I went on a hike today. It was a big day because I have been trying to get him to go on a hike with me for years, and I've yearned for a partner because it's not something I want to do alone-- I have rather large phobias about being attacked in the mountains, or else getting lost or something. I've dragged both of my sisters out on hikes, but I always though it would be so romantic to go with my old man. Somehow or other we both found ourselves with a day off, looking at each other and deciding what to do that didn't consist of sitting on the couch watching reruns on the DVR. I suggested a hike, and to my utter shock he agreed to go. I hurried and packed a lunch and we went on a beautiful hike with our puppy, the fall colors vivid and the cool mountain air wafting all around. We were immersed in a deep and meaningful conversation about life, all I ever dreamed of was coming true, and then.... I got cold. And man, that hike was a lot longer than I remembered-- my dog was whining, and the mountain was dark and all I could think about was my warm house and bed. I felt sort of urgent inside myself to get home, and we decided to turn around. Making our way back down I came to a sad conclusion about myself-- I don't like hiking after all. I'd much rather have stayed in bed. ( How sad is that?????)

Gratitude for Tuesday
1/ Being warm
2/ Sausage ( I wish I didn't love it so much)
3/ My new grey pants
4/ Beautiful music to sing
5/ the color orange ( Especially this time of year-- it's so intense)

Potties

2006-09-19T21:03:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here in my office that I just spent two days painting. I am SO TIRED. I painted with my husband for quite a few years until I wisened up and got a job where I wouldn't have to slosh through mud to slink into the nearest port-a-potty shared by thirty other men from the surrounding construction sites. I wonder if that is why I have so many recurring nightmares that I am in a filthy bathroom. It has become a major phobia for me. ( That and the mud-- I hate mud) But it makes me seriously appreciate having a job with access to one of the prettiest, CLEANEST, and genteel bathrooms you've ever seen. And the toilets even flush (gasp!) and I can actually wash my hands (wow!) AND IT EVEN HAS A BUILT IN AIR FRESHENER that sneezes out sweet smells every fifteen minutes. And get this--it has a Victorian sitting area for nursing mothers with a little fireplace and everything. I don't know if life could get any better.

Gratitude:

1/ Food to eat
2/ Clothes to wear
3/ Freedom
4/My husband
5/ Feeling hopeful
6/ My dog
7/Opportunities to sing

Bye Bye Blog????

2006-09-08T18:20:00.000-07:00

I can't believe how long it has been since my last post. Time has sped on by... I really wanted to get rid of my blog but for some reason I can't seem to do it. It would be so simple, but SOMETHING is holding me back. Maybe one day I will wake up and just delete it. I just don't really have anything to write about, and if I do have something, it isn't something I want anyone to read.

I'm kind of tired of doing things I don't want to do.

Gratitude for Friday:

1/ I am grateful I have more energy today.
2/I am grateful that Tooele is growing so at least there is one decent clothing store now, and not just WalMart.
3/I am grateful that I get to go see Seussical tomorrow night. I have never seen it, and I am really going to make more of an effort to see shows that my friends are in. I regret so much the shows I have missed because once they are over, that's it. I can go see a movie anytime.
4/ I am grateful I have two new musical albums coming in the mail. My collection is growing!
5/ I am grateful for The Firm with Sandahl Bergman. I don't know a better workout video out there.

An unwelcome guest

2006-07-31T21:55:00.000-07:00

I went outside the other day through my front door, and I noticed a THING up in the corner of my porch roof. At first I thought it was a wasp or hornet's nest, but upon closer examination, it was NOT. It was brown, furry and bigger than anything had a right to be sitting up there like that. I thought maybe it was some sort of mutant beetle, because it was kind of rounded, but I wasn't about to find out on my own. I waited for my brave man to come home and take care of it for me. His solution was to spray the thing with the bug spray we've been using to kill all the earwigs we've been inundated with this summer ( the grodiest bugs ever-- I hate them)

The moment he hit the thing with the spray, I somehow knew exactly what it was by the way it sort of shifted. It was a little brown bat, hangin' upside down taking a nap. I think we hurt it with the bug spray, and it made me so sad because it wasn't in anyone's way up there. But we must have made it feel most unwelcome, because it left sometime during nightfall. I must say, I am glad it's gone- what do you do when someone comes to your door and a bat swoops around their head? Creepsville. I'd feel like we lived in Dracula's castle or something. But it sure was a cute little thing. Why can't bats be pets? They'd be so crazy, hanging all over your house.

Gratitude:
1/I'm grateful my sister made it back safely from Inja.
2/I'm grateful that I could get the curtains hung in my bedroom.
They look so pretty
3/I'm grateful that I am still 29 for another couple of months... hanging
on by a thread!
4/I'm grateful that my Young Women's activity is over for the month. I'm burned out.
5/ I am grateful for make-up. I know it's vain, but what do you do? It helps.

Today on Animal Rescue....

2006-07-25T21:17:00.000-07:00

I have had many interesting animal experiences here in my crazy town. I've already written about the neighborhood- roaming pig, but did I mention the runaway goat that got stuck in my stairwell? Or the pigeon I found maliciously tied up by some sicko so it couldn't fly? Or else the peacock moseyin' around our yard????? ( I don't know the exact purpose for someone keeping a peacock, but you'd be surprised what animals people keep as pets or whatever out here.) And holy cow, how many times have there been horses on the loose around here? Scares me to death. They're so BIG.

Well, today I had an animal experience that could've happened anywhere. Some kids in my neighborhood found a wounded hummingbird sitting by the stop sign at the end of our street. It didn't move, so they picked it up. They didn't know what to do with it, so their mom told them to bring it to me. ( My neighbors think I know something about animals, I have no idea why they would think that except that I have a dog..) Anyway, I told them I would take it, without the slighest clue what to do. I looked at it for about a half an hour, then I picked it up ( so cute!) and spoonfed it some sugar water. Oh! You can't believe the adorableness! This bird was so beautiful, so trusting, and so small that I just sat there and held it for over an hour, giving it little sips of water every few minutes and petting it's tiny head. I discovered that hummingbirds have a tiny long tongue that laps? up the nectar, something I never knew before. This particular hummingbird had a row of purple feathers on the neck and looked like it was wearing a choker. It was amazing. Its favorite position when I was holding it was to perch on my finger, it's tiny talons somehow holding on and keeping balance.

After a while I decided I needed to find a place to take it to .... I remembered a bird rehabilation center I had heard about, and the sweet thing could not fly. It could flap its wings, but there was something faulty about one of them. I made a few calls and found a lady that had a wildlife rehabilition place not too far from me, so I packed up the poor thing up and took it to her. Apparently I wasn't supposed to be holding it and feeding it... she said to put it in a quiet, dark place so it wouldn't get too stressed and well, I didn't and so what do you do? Now I know better-- but I felt so glad to help the darling thing. Hummingbirds have always been a bit of an obsession with me, I think they are so amazing. Hopefully it will recover and get better, there is something so fragile and sweet about them. They're just so mini!

Anywho, that is my crazy animal experience for this month, stay tuned cuz I'm sure there will be more!

P.S. About that pigeon... I took it to the vet and we got it out of the trap and it flew away happily-- another happy bird rescue!!! Perhaps I should go into business.

Gratitude for Tuesday-
1. I'm grateful for sugar free chocolate chip cookies. ( since I stopped eating sugar, that is the thing I miss the most)
2. I'm grateful I am learning (sort of ) how to sew.
3. I'm grateful that my puppy is getting his hair cut tomorrow.
4.I'm grateful that someone else is doing it cause all he does is bite me when I try to do any grooming. Such a bad puppykins!
5. I'm grateful for central air. I am so spoiled.

True Friend

2006-07-20T22:24:00.000-07:00

There are some people in your life who you just feel were sent specifically to be there for you... I don't know if that is true or not, but I feel it today. I don't want to sound corny and say that they are angels, but what is another word ??? Nice people who are there for you? I guess the best word for it is a friend-- of the truest kind. There is a lady in my town who is that kind of person for me... it is uncanny how she is there when I need it the most. My hubby and I sometimes just laugh at how amazing she is. She is the Young Women's President in our ward, a mother of eight, involved in just about everything you could be in, and she still has time to be my friend... and I, with my crazily non-stressful life, --- well, lets just say I am not the most perfect friend, and I could take a few pointers from her.

The main thing about living out in our small countryish town is that I don't mesh with too many people here, i.e., I don't have many friends. Sometimes I would like to know more people, but many people here are related and are very close-knit, and don't really need any outsiders like me. Then there's also the fact that I just don't get them. They are some strange kind of breed, and I start to get to know them, but then realize I don't know how to get along with their kind. I have had problems with this ever since we moved here over five years ago, and it is a great cause of grief to me, mainly because I just get lonely. Even though I have dear friends and family in Salt Lake, it really makes a difference if you can have people in your immediate proximity to depend on for some social interaction and support.
Anyway, back to my Friend. I was feeling especially leperous and lonely today ( do I repel people with my personality? I've done so before) when I went to this lady's house to borrow some keys to get into our ward building. Since I am in Young Women's with this lady I tend to see her multiple times in a week, and so when she opened the door I asked " Are you sick of me yet?" thinking she would just laugh and say something polite like, "Silly girl!" Instead, she just smiled, and gave me a HUG. Never have I needed a hug more, and never has something so small meant so much to me. It said "You are someone I like to see, someone I like to be around, and are not the pathetic loser you think you are" right when I was SURE I was the opposite. I am not going to post any gratitude today because that counts for all five....

Ennui

2006-07-12T22:33:00.000-07:00

I got on here to write, and I have nothing to say. I decided to change my template, and now I feel like I had to write something, but there is absolutely nothing going on in my life. I guess that is what is called limbo. I am not sure what each day is going to bring. Looking back, I realize in my life I most of the time go where the wind takes me. I go through times where I am pretty good at having a routine, but that has so gone out the window anymore. It's mainly because my moods change at the speed of light, and I don't know how to make any plans because who knows what I will feel like doing two days from now. Today I might feel like being a singer, tomorrow I may want to buy a horse and take up horseback riding, then the next day I want a baby. But usually you need to have a drive and focus that keeps you going from day to day, or nothing ever happens. It takes years and planning for some things to come to fruition. Maybe that is why I am almost thirty and have never had many accomplishements or direction in life. The only thing that seems to be a constant in my life is music and theater, even that comes in spurts. I wonder if I will still be feeling this way when I am an old lady. I keep wondering when my life will start, and in reality, maybe this is all it is, just figuring it out as you go, never really knowing what the hell you are doing.

1/ I'm SO grateful Lolly is okay in Mumbai... I want her to come home.
2/I'm grateful for my nieces. They are my pals.
3/I'm grateful I don't have to work full time. That is such a blessing, cuz when else would I sing? Or cook? Or clean?
4/ I'm grateful that my sister is here from Morocco. It's so fun to have family in town.
5/I'm grateful for my car so it can get me out of this town--and back again.

Miss Piggy

2006-06-18T23:57:00.000-07:00

I'm up in the middle of the night, being what my hubby calls me... a "little mouse". I think he calls me this because I sometimes eat cheese and crackers at night, plus I have to creep around making quiet little noises, because he is a light sleeper. I am up in the middle of the night because I slept ten hours last night, and then I took a three hour nap after church... a total of fifteen hours' sleep out of the last twenty-four. I am going through a phase these days where all I want to do is eat and sleep. Oh it drives me crazy!!!! I am so tired of being tired and hungry all the time. I am not sure what is causing it... boredom, depression ( probably), loneliness--- I can't seem to get it under control!

Speaking of eating, I am ready to start looking for an Overeater's Anonymous group near me any day now. There are a few reasons I want to do this:
#1 I am pretty sure I have food addiction.
#2 I like the whole idea of a support group-- I've really
needed one lately.
#3 I am curious to see if a twelve-step program
would work for me.
I am Miss Piggy. I hate to say this because I am trying to be kinder to myself, but I gotta face the facts. I have an embarrassing attachment to food, and I would love to see what is behind it. I know some of it has to do with the fact that I grew up in a big family, but there's more to it than that. I eat when I am happy, sad, bored, celebrating, and when I am hungry. I eat when it's cold. I use food as medicine ( "If my tummy hurts, I better eat something to make it settle down") and most of all, I use food as COMFORT. There is nothing more comforting for me than eating.

I guess I need to find another way of comforting myself.

Maybe sleeping more will do it!

5 things I am gratefee for:
1. my cute nieces and nephews.
2.my neighbors who came and mowed down all our weeds.
3.the best dad in the world-- Happy Father's Day!
4.my mom ain't so bad herself
5.my new bedding.. finally pillowcases that aren't ripped!

2006-05-25T21:18:00.000-07:00

I just finished eating my nightly peanut butter and honey open-faced sandwich. I do not know when I am going to outgrow them. I have probably eaten an average of one peanut butter sandwich per day my entire life. Do I admit that I have a problem? Yes. It's not only the frequency with which I have eaten them that makes me know it's not normal, but it's also the fact that I have perfected the art of pb & h sandwich- making to a tee. That's sad.

Recipe for Success

2 slices sprouted wheat Grandma Sycamore bread
peanut butter (chunky--you know it)
honey

Place one slice of bread on a flat surface, and slather on a generous amount of peanut butter with a knife, taking care not to tear apart the bread. Drizzle honey on top of peanut butter, approximately one tablespoon. Spread evenly over peanut butter, top with remaining slice of bread. Place sandwich in the microwave for 25 seconds ( no more) let sit for 30 seconds. Serve with tall glass of 1% milk.

To me the only thing better than peanut butter is melted peanut butter & honey together. If that ain't comfort food, I do not know what is. Oh I'm a sick girl all right. But it's the only food that does the trick. I just remembered there is a picture of me when I am about four or five where I am holding an open-faced peanut butter sandwich with a big Miss Piggy smile on my face. Some things never change.

I am grateful for the chance I have to make new memories in a new house
I am grateful tomorrow is finally Friday. I finally got my hubby to agree hike to Timpanogos Cave with me.
I am grateful my whole family decided to join us in the fun.
I am grateful for Mozart's Requiem
I am grateful it's time to go the cabin once more. I can't wait to get up there. (maybe that is why this is my favorite time of year)

Media Overload

2006-05-09T22:07:00.000-07:00

So I have been on the computer way past my self-imposed bedtime, reading blogs. I have never ever been on the computer more than when I started this blog. I used to avoid the internet like the plague, because my throat always tenses up, and my mild ADD kicks in because I am sitting still for more than ten minutes at a time ( the 2 1/2 hour nap I took today doesn't count for sitting still, does it?) But blogs... I could read them forever, and get totally sucked in. It's just not like me...

----OR IS IT????

Thinking back throughout my life, I have been sucked in to many various and sundry forms of media. Growing up, it was books, movies, video games, computer games, and TEE VEE. In high school I would escape the misery of that time period by watching soap operas... one summer I watched SIX HOURS of soap operas a day. My schedule would start at 10:00 am with Young and the Restless, and I would keep it going from there. 11:00- All My Children 12:00- As the World Turns 1:00 General Hospital 2:00 Another World ... I'd top it off with my all-time favorite at 3:00... Days of Our Lives. When I finally emerged from our basement, my dad would make some clever comment on the glazed look I had in my eyes. Why he didn't do anything more than comment I don't know, but I wish now that he would have intervened and somehow put a stop to it all. ( and I wonder why I have ADD)

As for movies, we would watch the same movie over and over until we had it memorized, and the strangest thing was that they were usually these old depressing movies, like Wuthering Heights w/ Laurence Olivier, and Gone with the Wind ( which is still one of my favorites ever) w/ Vivian Leigh. I just don't understand our fascination with them, and why we didn't watch normal kids movies? Anywho, then there were books... I would read romance novels for hours on the weekend ( another escape) and I remember playing Nintendo at my best friends house for hours and days it seemed, and then computer games at my other best friend's. What a childhood!

So I guess I do have a bit of a history getting sucked into time-gulping pasttimes, but somehow blogs seem to have a little more meaning than some of my other addictions. It's all about progress, not perfection, right? (I would like to add that I have been soap-free and romance-novel-free for over ten years- That's what I'm talking about)

Now it's REALLY past my bedtime.

Gratitude for today

1/ I'm grateful for the chicken curry dish I made and froze months ago...I was out of dinner ideas and it saved the day. 2/I'm grateful that I took my wedding ring in to be checked, cuz the diamond was loose (again). I hope they can fix it. 3/ I'm grateful that I could get my hair done because my grays are making me feel old. 4/ I need to be grateful that I even have hair. I would much rather be gray than bald. 5/ I am grateful that I have a built-in voice teacher for a dad.. he is the best. So is my piano playing Mom. She is always there for me. Thank you, Lord for my parents. I need to appreciate them more than I do.

Wait up, World!

2006-05-05T10:41:00.000-07:00

I am feeling blog-deficient. I am too lazy to figure out how to put links to my site, and don't know the first thing about putting pictures in my posts. I would much rather just enjoy other people's fanciness, rather that learn. I know, I am technically retarded, and worse, I don't do anything about it. I think that is the story of my life... being behind. I don't know how to keep up with the world in general... I am always a few steps behind everyone else. I could go into detail but I won't, because when I do I fall into a deep depression, and I am already on the verge as it is.

Gratitude for today: 1/ my sweetest- ever puppy and his morning bed-hair 2/my hubby who brought me the most amazing bouquet out of the blue ( the lilies are incredible) 3/my house--it's coming together, finally! 4/my washer and dryer-- ( although I do miss my old laundromat) 5/ the color purple (not the movie)

2006-04-30T15:51:00.001-07:00

The first apartment my hubby and I lived in when we were married was an old seventies four-plex. I loved that place. We lived on the backside away from the street, and there was a patch of grass that was never really tended to, but somehow never managed to look too mangy. The only problem it ever had was that it got really dry and yellow in the hot summer months. Since property management never really took care of it, I took it upon myself one day to see what I could do to keep it from dying. I looked around the grass and discovered that it had a sprinkling system, and so I found the valve that turned it on, and grabbed some pliers from the house, and we were in business.

This was during a pretty serious drought we had our fair state that lasted quite a few years, and during the hot summer days in July and August, you could just feel the earth cracking and drying up. The word was that you were NOT supposed to water your lawn during the day, and although it was never enforced, it was basically complied with. I think that is the implied rule even when we aren't in a drought, because I guess we live in a desert, although I didn't know deserts got so much snow.

Back to my lawn. In the middle of July on a really hot day, I went outside and walked across my parched patch of grass, and couldn't take it any more. It was so thirsty, with no relief in sight.. I broke the cardinal rule and turned the water on, even though it was high noon. But I didn't care... I needed water, the lawn needed water- drought be damned! ( I am my mother's daughter ) As I went inside to keep from getting wet, I looked out the window and saw something I had never seen before. All of a sudden, there appeared all kinds of bees, butterflies and other insects fly over the sprinklers, then dipping down in the water to get a drink. It was the coolest thing. We all needed water, and I felt so glad that I had turned them on. We all had relief from the drought, if only for a few minutes.

Julia Cameron talks about droughts in her book "The Artist's Way". She says that during droughts, "we have lost faith-- in the Great Creator and in our creative selves. ....Looking for a hopeful sign, all we see are the hulking remains of dreams that died along the path" "Droughts are terrible, droughts hurt, droughts are long, airless seasons of doubt that make us grow, give us compassion, and blossom as unexpectedly as the desert with sudden flowers."

Last night my play closed. During the past couple of months, I felt like one of those butterflies dipping themselves into the refreshing spray of water, dried up and thirsty. I have been in a singing drought for seven years, if not more. For two months my drought was over. I only hope now that I have enough ground water to last me until the next play I do, because as cheesy as it sounds, plays are my survival. Without them I wither to the ground and dry up...( yes, I 'm dramatic, what can you do?)

Gratitude for Sunday
1/sleep 2/being healthy ( I threw up all day Wednesday--no, I'm not pregnant 3/traddles (my dog) 4/my hubby making me breakfast in bed for the first time ever today (I told you Lolly--he's Changed) 5/ Springtime on Temple Square--holy crap those tulips are amazing-

Shuffle Ball Change

2006-04-19T23:07:00.000-07:00

Oh I am so excited... I am one step (or falap) closer to taking a tap class. I FINALLY ordered some tap shoes from Dance Distributors... it's only taken me two years to fork over the cash. I have wasted so much money on stupid things that don't mean anything, when all I wanted all along were my taps. As soon as my job ends ( three days left and counting) I am on the search for an intermediate adult tap class.... wish me luck! If I can't find one then my brand new hardwood floors are going to be ruined because I won't be able to contain myself. The last time I tapped was in Nunsense last year ( "Tackle That Temptation With a Time Step") and that is twelve months too long to go without clickin' muh heels. GOTTA DANCE GOTTA DANCE GOTTA DANCE...I guess I could turn on some Gene Kelly to tide me over.

Gratitude for Wednesday ( or early Thurs morning, that is)
1) I am grateful today is over.
2) I am grateful that I didn't throw my car bill away.. I thought it was junk mail.
3) I'm SO grateful for garbage men--all you have to do is wheel out the garbage can and they swoop it away like magic!!!! ( yes, I know it goes somewhere-- we could all do better w/ recycling)
4) I am grateful for each second I am in a play ( are you sick of me talking about it already?) Every day I'm in a play is a good day.
5) Strangely enough, I will be grateful to have my life sort of back when the play is over next weekend...I never thought I would feel that way. Thank you, Lord... there is Grace after all. I don't deserve it.

P.S. I have no idea how fallap? falap? fulap? is spelled.... Please can somebody help me??

Regrets, I've had a few

2006-04-18T15:28:00.000-07:00

There are a few things in life I would do over if I could... I'm sure we all have them. Some of my do-overs would include: my wedding day ( not the groom, just the day and the dress) about two thirds of my high school days and ALL of my junior high days. The one do-over I would like to address today is a comparitively small one-- The Funeral Outfit. I cringe to even think of it, some sixteen years later.
My paternal grandmother died very suddenly at the age of 75 in the early 1990's. My little sister would know exactly what year, I seem to think was January 1990, which would put me smack dab in the middle of my aforementioned junior high days. But it does not forgive the outfit I wore to her funeral. My parents were the kind of people who never really had much of an opinion of our clothing, except when we spent too much money on them, as there were eight of us. But as to choosing our own outfits, I had been doing that pretty much since I could dress myself. This served me pretty well until junior high when I all of a sudden went to a school with the most preppy kids you can imagine... thus my creative outfitting days were over. But when I went to the funeral I didn't have my peers to influence me as to what I put on. I don't know who my influence was, but I somehow got ahold of a short black skirt with a slit in the front, a button down white blouse, and black high heels. It sounds harmless, but add BRIGHT red lipstick, ultra boofy hair, and trunky legs and I looked like an overweight preteen trying to look like a forty year old sexy career girl. I 'm sorry to say that about myself, but so it was. I SO long to go back to that morning and tell my thirteen year -old self to reconsider and put on that floral Laura Ashley cordouroy dress I had hanging in my closet, and show some respect for my grandmother. What was I thinking? And I knew the whole day I had made the wrong choice, it isn't something I was ignorant of until later. I saw my family's confused looks, I don't think my uncle has forgiven me to this day ( I attribute his indifference it to the outfit) The funny thing is, no one said anything about it, which made it even worse. It would have been bearable if they had teased me or something, but their silence made me feel so Ashamed.

To tell you the truth, I was sort of invisible in my family, so no one probably even noticed at all...(sniff, sniff)

Maybe I wore it to get their attention.

Gratitude for Tuesday:
1/ That I could get close enough to a hawk on my walk to hear his wings flapping ( they are so elusive)
2/That I could sleep the entire day away
3/that the snow finally stopped ( it's april, already!)
4/that I have friends where there were no friends before
5/I can't think of a fifth... I am sort of sad today

About a Pig

2006-04-13T15:19:00.000-07:00

I just realized the other day that I have not seen our neighborhood pig for a while. I am not talking about a person but the actual animal. He was pink and black, and would oink and chase me whenever my dog and I walked past his house ( at first it seriously disturbed me, but then I started to look forward to the thrill) Yes, the pig was let loose to roam around the neighborhood. Welcome to my town. He liked our driveway and my neighbors said that they would look out the window and see the pig rolling our newspaper around with his nose. ( I always wondered where it went) I started to feed it apples, but that kind of grossed me out because it would get really aggressive and slobbery. One day I think someone shot a paintball at it because it had this bright pink paint all over the side of his body. I grew to love looking outside in the street to see the pig standing there and cars driving around it looking perplexed. But now, the pig is nowhere to be seen, and I fear the worst. It really did look appetizing, and I can't believe I just said that about my little pal. It's just that I really love pork.

Gratitude for today: 1)Stand up comedians 2)that I am not bald and have to wear a wig 3) elbows ( what if you couldn't bend your arms?) 4) knees ( for the same reason) 5) splenda

Never Satisified

2006-04-09T13:55:00.000-07:00

Two shows down, fourteen more to go.... Yes, I did end up with a dress, two actually. The main one I wear is awful to get in and out of, but it works. The other one I wear is my stage husband's real live wife's prom dress...is that just weird or what? I feel really strange wearing it. The guy who plays Archie runs his own theater in Provo, and brought a bunch of dresses for me to try on because he saw me walking around kind of lost the night when I was really sad about not having a costume. I chose this pink one that fit me really well, but he didn't tell me at the time that it was her prom dress and when she came to the show she told me and by then it was too late to change, plus I really like it. But can you understand my discomfort???

Opening night went well, so did last night, but I was in a really bad mood because I started thinking about the end of the run and just dreading the fact that I will never get another part again as long as I live. I thought.... "if I could just get the part, then I would be completely satisfied". Then when I got the part, I ran into all sorts of other problems with my voice, the rehearsals, and the dreaded Diva Who Tried To Steal My Part.( I'm still working on forgiving her...not there quite yet) Then all of those problems went away, and all the problems with lighting and sound came up, and I thought... "I will be satisfied if we could just start the run of the show". Well, we started the run, and it has been the most amazing experience even with all the crap that has gone on. Our cast is really close, and the music is so beautiful, and I have never been happier, but I can't be completely satisified because three weeks ITS GOING TO END. It's all a dream from which I am going to wake up and wish I could go back to sleep. I am not looking forward to it at all. I don't know why I can't just focus on the present... I'm either rehashing and regretting the past, or dreading the future. And since acting is all about being in the moment I've got a lot to learn! Am I the only one?

Gratitude for Sunday
1/ I'm grateful for the lilies I bought the other day... their scent is permeating the entire house. I think it's the same kind of flower in that was in my bridal bouquet.
2/I'm grateful that I have a part for the month of April.
3/I'm grateful that my appetite has been a bit smaller so I am not wanting to eat everything in sight all the time.
4/I'm grateful that I could forgive myself for being an idiot last night after the show ( I still need to apologize to my friend- she probably thinks I'm such a brat)
5/I'm grateful that we sang all my favorite hymns in church today. I get really sick of "How Great Thou Art"

Dress Rehearsal???

2006-04-04T11:26:00.000-07:00

It's getting close... Five hours till the big dress rehearsal for my play. The problem??? I don't have a dress yet! For those of you who have been in plays you know my dilemma. And for those of you who know how vain I am...Well, you can imagine my agony. The Secret Garden is of course set at the turn of the century ( the last turn of the century.. I guess we have to specify which one now) and I need to run the show with a dress so as to figure out how to maneuver it w/ out tripping all over the place. ( I have already fallen off the stage once during rehearsals and that was in jeans) The character I'm playing is supposed to be this graceful floating ghost...It won't do to have her clumsy, it just won't. I have tried on costume after costume, they are mostly too tight (which isn't so hot for the body image) or too loose, or they have gargantuan stains all over them, or they are just plain awful. Yes, this is community theater, so I can't expect much, but all the other ladies in the play have these really pretty ruffly dresses and they didn't save any for me!!! Do you know how important it is to feel pretty at a time like this??? It may sound so superficial, but it MATTERS. But no one in the play can know that because then they will know how vain I really am. It's embarrassing. But I have to be honest about it to someone so I can move one with life!

Maybe if I put my focus on the performance instead of my appearance, all will fall into place (and not off the stage)

Gratitude for Tuesday:
1) I am grateful for the big beautiful cloud that covered the sun while I was on my walk today (there are no trees here and although I love the sun dearly it gets bright)
2) I am grateful my friend could be in this play w/ me ( we have tried to be in the same play for years)
3) I am grateful that I can hear and that the meadowlark are back for the spring to sing to me
4) I am grateful for second chances
5) I am grateful for pansies

Choice and Accountablity

2006-03-25T22:58:00.000-08:00

I just finished e-mailing the director of the NATSAA competition I entered back in December. (National Association for Teachers of Singing Awards A?? something) I let her know that I had to withdraw. I told her it was for "personal problems and conflicts that have prevented me from preparing and attending the audition" It's actually because I got my DREAM part in a musical and I tried at first to do both but I blew a gasket and had to decide between the competition and the play. And I discovered just today that I made the right choice. I know I did because I made the decision a month ago, and haven't even thought about the competition since. I have been so engrossed in the role and in rehearsals, and as we get closer to opening night I am so excited I can hardly wait. I usually dread opening night like this book I read when I was little featuring Grover from Sesame Street. He is frantically trying to keep you from finishing the book because there is a monster at the end. He tries to stop you from turning the pages by building a brick wall, tying ropes around the page, and warning you of the dire consequences at the end of the book on every page. That book always freaked me out, even though the monster ends up being Grover himself. Anyway, that's how opening night usually is for me, but now...bring it on, man, I am ready. Even if it is a total failure, I am so grateful for the opportunity to FINALLY play this part I have always wanted. And with the cutthroat sopranos in this world of community theater I never thought I'd actually get cast. It's a blasted miracle.

So goodbye NATS Competition, hello Secret Garden. I have no regrets. Except for the fact that I brought up Grover this late at night. He is so scary.. (remember Super Grover? Yikes!)

*** Gratitude for today 1. peanut butter (a great laxative) 2. Theater friends 3. My $5 blue pj's from Target 4. Singing 5. inner peace after an inner storm****

2006-03-24T23:34:00.000-08:00

I just received an email from my oldest neighbor and friend who just recently moved to California. I really miss her! Up until less than a year ago both our parents still lived right next to each other, but her mom sold her house and a new family moved in, and I feel like all our ties are dwindling, so it was so good to hear from her. She is an expert blogger and I didn't want to give her my address because she will laugh at me, as will everyone who knows how to write if they ever happen upon this. Oh well... I don't dread being laughed at nearly as much as I used to. Which is good since I do more idiotic things the older I get. It's so freeing!

Speaking of freeing, mainly what I wanna say today is...I HATE MY JOB. I actually just quit it today, so the five things I am grateful for are:

1) I quit my crappy job, and maybe now I will really get pregnant.
2) I quit my crappy job, and now I will not have a knot in my stomach all the time.
3) I quit my crappy job, and now maybe I won't stress eat myself into an even bigger pants size (again)
4) I quit my crappy job, and now I will have time (yeah right) to do my once a month cooking.
5)I quite my crappy job, and I will be more bearable to be around (Sorry honey!)

It's amazing how much more I hate my job now that I have quit.

hello out there

2006-03-21T14:55:00.000-08:00

So I can't believe I am writing this... It's not like me to be online. I love reading from my sisters blog since she is so far away... maybe it's another way we can keep in touch. I just received a shipment from her... one I have been anxiously awaiting and I am so glad it came on my day off. It's two pairs of knockoff D&B sunglasses she got for me in NYC where she lives now. She wore a pair home when she was visiting for Christmas and they are the perfect sunglasses. They are light and comfortable, the lenses are the perfect shade ( not too dark and depressing), and I never want to take them off.
I want to visit my sister. I miss her, and I miss New York. If my hubby liked to travel, maybe we could get back there more. As it is I have only been able to visit her once since we got married. I used to travel a lot more than I do now. I am okay with it most times though... I am getting terribly unadventurous in my old age. We don't have kids yet, so you'd think that we would be living it up, but we are the most boring couple ever. We don't do anything but watch recorded reruns of Malcom in the Middle (which is actually the highlight of my day lots of times--I love Hal) If we didn't live so far from everything maybe things would be different.

I know I am writing this all wrong. I'm sure most people are very clever and articulate but I am just a stream of consciousness writer now, thanks to years of morning pages. I never follow a thought through, and I wouldn't know how to start.

I want to end all my posts w/ five things I am grateful for... I try keeping a gratitude journal but I always have like five different notebooks to write in, so I get confused and forget to do it.

1) I'm grateful that I didn't have to work w/ the old man today. Not that I don't love him, but I really needed a day off.
2)I'm grateful I could take my puppy for a nice long walk today. He is too cooped up all the time and I feel so good when I can take him out. He is so cute and perky and I love to see the world through his little black eyes. I want to eat him.
3)I'm grateful for the internet. I got so many things done and since I am a least 35 miles from any store, I save so much time shopping online, and it is so EASY! (Maybe too easy!)
4) I am grateful that I have a car payment. I have never had a new enough car to have a car payment, and I feel like a real person. (like Mottel the taylor in Fiddler on the Roof when he finally gets a sewing machine)
5)Speaking of sewing machines, I am grateful that I finally have a sewing machine. I have never had one of my own, and although it's way seventies and probably as old as I am, it's a Bernina, and the kind I learned on, and for as much as I sew, it's all I need. Thanks Tiina(no, that is not a misspelling, it's really how she spells her name cuz she's from Finland and she's the one that gave me her old sewing machine) Now I can finally finish the Sunbonnet Sue quilt that has been sitting there for six years.