The first apartment my hubby and I lived in when we were married was an old seventies four-plex. I loved that place. We lived on the backside away from the street, and there was a patch of grass that was never really tended to, but somehow never managed to look too mangy. The only problem it ever had was that it got really dry and yellow in the hot summer months. Since property management never really took care of it, I took it upon myself one day to see what I could do to keep it from dying. I looked around the grass and discovered that it had a sprinkling system, and so I found the valve that turned it on, and grabbed some pliers from the house, and we were in business.

This was during a pretty serious drought we had our fair state that lasted quite a few years, and during the hot summer days in July and August, you could just feel the earth cracking and drying up. The word was that you were NOT supposed to water your lawn during the day, and although it was never enforced, it was basically complied with. I think that is the implied rule even when we aren't in a drought, because I guess we live in a desert, although I didn't know deserts got so much snow.

Back to my lawn. In the middle of July on a really hot day, I went outside and walked across my parched patch of grass, and couldn't take it any more. It was so thirsty, with no relief in sight.. I broke the cardinal rule and turned the water on, even though it was high noon. But I didn't care... I needed water, the lawn needed water- drought be damned! ( I am my mother's daughter ) As I went inside to keep from getting wet, I looked out the window and saw something I had never seen before. All of a sudden, there appeared all kinds of bees, butterflies and other insects fly over the sprinklers, then dipping down in the water to get a drink. It was the coolest thing. We all needed water, and I felt so glad that I had turned them on. We all had relief from the drought, if only for a few minutes.

Julia Cameron talks about droughts in her book "The Artist's Way". She says that during droughts, "we have lost faith-- in the Great Creator and in our creative selves. ....Looking for a hopeful sign, all we see are the hulking remains of dreams that died along the path" "Droughts are terrible, droughts hurt, droughts are long, airless seasons of doubt that make us grow, give us compassion, and blossom as unexpectedly as the desert with sudden flowers."

Last night my play closed. During the past couple of months, I felt like one of those butterflies dipping themselves into the refreshing spray of water, dried up and thirsty. I have been in a singing drought for seven years, if not more. For two months my drought was over. I only hope now that I have enough ground water to last me until the next play I do, because as cheesy as it sounds, plays are my survival. Without them I wither to the ground and dry up...( yes, I 'm dramatic, what can you do?)

Gratitude for Sunday
1/sleep 2/being healthy ( I threw up all day Wednesday--no, I'm not pregnant 3/traddles (my dog) 4/my hubby making me breakfast in bed for the first time ever today (I told you Lolly--he's Changed) 5/ Springtime on Temple Square--holy crap those tulips are amazing-

Shuffle Ball Change

Oh I am so excited... I am one step (or falap) closer to taking a tap class. I FINALLY ordered some tap shoes from Dance Distributors... it's only taken me two years to fork over the cash. I have wasted so much money on stupid things that don't mean anything, when all I wanted all along were my taps. As soon as my job ends ( three days left and counting) I am on the search for an intermediate adult tap class.... wish me luck! If I can't find one then my brand new hardwood floors are going to be ruined because I won't be able to contain myself. The last time I tapped was in Nunsense last year ( "Tackle That Temptation With a Time Step") and that is twelve months too long to go without clickin' muh heels. GOTTA DANCE GOTTA DANCE GOTTA DANCE...I guess I could turn on some Gene Kelly to tide me over.

Gratitude for Wednesday ( or early Thurs morning, that is)
1) I am grateful today is over.
2) I am grateful that I didn't throw my car bill away.. I thought it was junk mail.
3) I'm SO grateful for garbage men--all you have to do is wheel out the garbage can and they swoop it away like magic!!!! ( yes, I know it goes somewhere-- we could all do better w/ recycling)
4) I am grateful for each second I am in a play ( are you sick of me talking about it already?) Every day I'm in a play is a good day.
5) Strangely enough, I will be grateful to have my life sort of back when the play is over next weekend...I never thought I would feel that way. Thank you, Lord... there is Grace after all. I don't deserve it.

P.S. I have no idea how fallap? falap? fulap? is spelled.... Please can somebody help me??

Regrets, I've had a few

There are a few things in life I would do over if I could... I'm sure we all have them. Some of my do-overs would include: my wedding day ( not the groom, just the day and the dress) about two thirds of my high school days and ALL of my junior high days. The one do-over I would like to address today is a comparitively small one-- The Funeral Outfit. I cringe to even think of it, some sixteen years later.
My paternal grandmother died very suddenly at the age of 75 in the early 1990's. My little sister would know exactly what year, I seem to think was January 1990, which would put me smack dab in the middle of my aforementioned junior high days. But it does not forgive the outfit I wore to her funeral. My parents were the kind of people who never really had much of an opinion of our clothing, except when we spent too much money on them, as there were eight of us. But as to choosing our own outfits, I had been doing that pretty much since I could dress myself. This served me pretty well until junior high when I all of a sudden went to a school with the most preppy kids you can imagine... thus my creative outfitting days were over. But when I went to the funeral I didn't have my peers to influence me as to what I put on. I don't know who my influence was, but I somehow got ahold of a short black skirt with a slit in the front, a button down white blouse, and black high heels. It sounds harmless, but add BRIGHT red lipstick, ultra boofy hair, and trunky legs and I looked like an overweight preteen trying to look like a forty year old sexy career girl. I 'm sorry to say that about myself, but so it was. I SO long to go back to that morning and tell my thirteen year -old self to reconsider and put on that floral Laura Ashley cordouroy dress I had hanging in my closet, and show some respect for my grandmother. What was I thinking? And I knew the whole day I had made the wrong choice, it isn't something I was ignorant of until later. I saw my family's confused looks, I don't think my uncle has forgiven me to this day ( I attribute his indifference it to the outfit) The funny thing is, no one said anything about it, which made it even worse. It would have been bearable if they had teased me or something, but their silence made me feel so Ashamed.

To tell you the truth, I was sort of invisible in my family, so no one probably even noticed at all...(sniff, sniff)

Maybe I wore it to get their attention.

Gratitude for Tuesday:
1/ That I could get close enough to a hawk on my walk to hear his wings flapping ( they are so elusive)
2/That I could sleep the entire day away
3/that the snow finally stopped ( it's april, already!)
4/that I have friends where there were no friends before
5/I can't think of a fifth... I am sort of sad today

About a Pig

I just realized the other day that I have not seen our neighborhood pig for a while. I am not talking about a person but the actual animal. He was pink and black, and would oink and chase me whenever my dog and I walked past his house ( at first it seriously disturbed me, but then I started to look forward to the thrill) Yes, the pig was let loose to roam around the neighborhood. Welcome to my town. He liked our driveway and my neighbors said that they would look out the window and see the pig rolling our newspaper around with his nose. ( I always wondered where it went) I started to feed it apples, but that kind of grossed me out because it would get really aggressive and slobbery. One day I think someone shot a paintball at it because it had this bright pink paint all over the side of his body. I grew to love looking outside in the street to see the pig standing there and cars driving around it looking perplexed. But now, the pig is nowhere to be seen, and I fear the worst. It really did look appetizing, and I can't believe I just said that about my little pal. It's just that I really love pork.

Gratitude for today: 1)Stand up comedians 2)that I am not bald and have to wear a wig 3) elbows ( what if you couldn't bend your arms?) 4) knees ( for the same reason) 5) splenda

Never Satisified

Two shows down, fourteen more to go.... Yes, I did end up with a dress, two actually. The main one I wear is awful to get in and out of, but it works. The other one I wear is my stage husband's real live wife's prom dress...is that just weird or what? I feel really strange wearing it. The guy who plays Archie runs his own theater in Provo, and brought a bunch of dresses for me to try on because he saw me walking around kind of lost the night when I was really sad about not having a costume. I chose this pink one that fit me really well, but he didn't tell me at the time that it was her prom dress and when she came to the show she told me and by then it was too late to change, plus I really like it. But can you understand my discomfort???

Opening night went well, so did last night, but I was in a really bad mood because I started thinking about the end of the run and just dreading the fact that I will never get another part again as long as I live. I thought.... "if I could just get the part, then I would be completely satisfied". Then when I got the part, I ran into all sorts of other problems with my voice, the rehearsals, and the dreaded Diva Who Tried To Steal My Part.( I'm still working on forgiving her...not there quite yet) Then all of those problems went away, and all the problems with lighting and sound came up, and I thought... "I will be satisfied if we could just start the run of the show". Well, we started the run, and it has been the most amazing experience even with all the crap that has gone on. Our cast is really close, and the music is so beautiful, and I have never been happier, but I can't be completely satisified because three weeks ITS GOING TO END. It's all a dream from which I am going to wake up and wish I could go back to sleep. I am not looking forward to it at all. I don't know why I can't just focus on the present... I'm either rehashing and regretting the past, or dreading the future. And since acting is all about being in the moment I've got a lot to learn! Am I the only one?

Gratitude for Sunday
1/ I'm grateful for the lilies I bought the other day... their scent is permeating the entire house. I think it's the same kind of flower in that was in my bridal bouquet.
2/I'm grateful that I have a part for the month of April.
3/I'm grateful that my appetite has been a bit smaller so I am not wanting to eat everything in sight all the time.
4/I'm grateful that I could forgive myself for being an idiot last night after the show ( I still need to apologize to my friend- she probably thinks I'm such a brat)
5/I'm grateful that we sang all my favorite hymns in church today. I get really sick of "How Great Thou Art"

Dress Rehearsal???

It's getting close... Five hours till the big dress rehearsal for my play. The problem??? I don't have a dress yet! For those of you who have been in plays you know my dilemma. And for those of you who know how vain I am...Well, you can imagine my agony. The Secret Garden is of course set at the turn of the century ( the last turn of the century.. I guess we have to specify which one now) and I need to run the show with a dress so as to figure out how to maneuver it w/ out tripping all over the place. ( I have already fallen off the stage once during rehearsals and that was in jeans) The character I'm playing is supposed to be this graceful floating ghost...It won't do to have her clumsy, it just won't. I have tried on costume after costume, they are mostly too tight (which isn't so hot for the body image) or too loose, or they have gargantuan stains all over them, or they are just plain awful. Yes, this is community theater, so I can't expect much, but all the other ladies in the play have these really pretty ruffly dresses and they didn't save any for me!!! Do you know how important it is to feel pretty at a time like this??? It may sound so superficial, but it MATTERS. But no one in the play can know that because then they will know how vain I really am. It's embarrassing. But I have to be honest about it to someone so I can move one with life!

Maybe if I put my focus on the performance instead of my appearance, all will fall into place (and not off the stage)

Gratitude for Tuesday:
1) I am grateful for the big beautiful cloud that covered the sun while I was on my walk today (there are no trees here and although I love the sun dearly it gets bright)
2) I am grateful my friend could be in this play w/ me ( we have tried to be in the same play for years)
3) I am grateful that I can hear and that the meadowlark are back for the spring to sing to me
4) I am grateful for second chances
5) I am grateful for pansies