Eternal Fall

So my favorite fall in history is now over. Not my favorite fall event-wise, but my favorite fall weather-wise. Usually autumn in Utah is very short and disappointing...but this year? It stretched from early September until just a few days ago when we got our first snowstorm. AFTER thanksgiving, even. There is something so incredibly invigorating about the fall. Maybe it's because it's my birthday-time ( October) or maybe it's such a relief after the long stiflingly hot summers. My perfect weather is about 70-75 degrees and sunny... not summer-sunny, but fall- sunny-- there is a distinct difference. The sun is more intense in the fall, I swear. And the sunflowers this year.... vibrant city. We get incredible sunflowers along the highways and the mountains. One day I was walking along my favorite dirt trail up from my house, and I walked through a grove of sunflowers with the afternoon sun shining through them and I had to stop and cry I was so happy. I seriously couldn't take in the happiness. And as there were a few bitter moments this fall, (as I said, event-wise, it wasn't the best) the beauty of the season was a constant comfort for me. It is strange, but I am sure that is why I appreciated it more. Sometimes I notice the simple beauties of life more when I am struggling with something. Sad, but true.

Goodbye, best fall ever. I will miss all the orange.

Gratitude for Thursday:

1/ My funnest friend from the cast called me today and said he would
be able to come to the cast party I am having at my house tomorrow. I
am so glad is able to make it. He is hilarious.
2/This sounds weird, but I am grateful I saw some peacocks perched atop some
huge trees by our church yesterday. They are owned by the people living in the house below the trees, but I don't know why or how they got up there. I didn't know they could fly that high, and what on earth were they doing? They looked like those vultures from Jungle Book sittin' on a bare tree, only they were peacocks. Can someone please explain this to me? It was so cool and entertaining. I've learned so much about birds living here.
3/I am grateful for leftover night. It's great to not have to cook AND to get rid of all the food in the fridge. Make way for the new!
4/I am grateful my hubster and I are going on a short getaway for our anniversary. It's hard to have an anniversary in December. I can imagine how people w/ birthdays in December feel.
5/I am grateful for my cutest fluffiest puppykins. It's unbearable how much I love him.

There's no business....

It's the eve of the final day of yet another production... and this one has been especially intense. I have learned so much about myself and my limitations, vocally and otherwise. This is both a good and a bad thing. Another good and bad thing is that I have met some amazing people who I am going to sorely miss. ( good that I met them, bad that I won't see them anymore.) The one consolation is that next week I am going to New York with a friend from the cast... I can hardly wait.

What has made this show so intense??? It's hard to say, but mainly the fact that it seems to have gobbled up most of my energy and time since August. I won't know what to do with myself when it's officially over. It's strange how we adjust. It almost killed me at first to give up all of that time, and now I am almost counting on my crazy schedule. Theater is completely nuts. You go through this intense experience with a group of people, and get to know them in a way that you don't even know your closest friends or relatives, and then it ends. Not just the relationships, but the show, too. This creation that you work so hard to put together, the costumes, make-up, hair, characters, music, dancing, and all of the sudden- POOF! It's gone... and all you have left are a few pictures and lots of memories. And the next question is always... what's next????

That's what I'd like to know!!!


Gratitude
1. My new luggage (purple, of course!)
2. Being home
3. Forgiveness ( I sure need it often)
4. seeing friends I hadly ever see
5. stuffed mushrooms

Bandwagon Blog

I am jumping on the bandwagon of bloggers I've read recently who write out what they do in a day- i.e., their daily routine. Problem is I don't have daily routine to really speak of, but I will attempt to flesh it out for you.


8:00 or so: wake up and snuggle with the Mudgie ( my dog) He is especially sweet when he wakes up and will give us lots of kisses which he never otherwise does. Take him out for the morning potty, and praise him heartily when he returns from the event. ( he knows he's a good boy and shows it)
After this I usually eat. Food is the first thing on my mind in the morning, and since I don't work everyday, is many times the one reason I have to get out of bed ( besides the dog). Boy I sure love Great Grains with Pecans, although on my good days I eat oatmeal and fruit when I have the time to cook it. I have been avoiding oatmeal lately because I only like the kind you get at the Welfare Cannery and I am out and have to rely on the sick big -oat oatmeal you get at the grocery store. So I opt for my yummy pecan cereal instead. I really need to take a trip to the cannery but it sure depresses me. ( I hate wearing a hair cap.. I feel so lunch lady-- do any of you know what I am talking about????) But I digress.
On my really good girl days I next vocalize. Right now I am working on some music for a concert I am soloing in next week, so I am extra motivated since I am singing opera for the first time in years and I am freaked out enough to practice.
Then the dreaded shower. I hate to shower. I just takes so long to get ready. I need to simplify somehow, because sometimes it just doesn't even happen. ( more days than I care to admit) My hair is getting longer and thicker, takes forever to dry, and some days there is just no point because I don't really go anywhere.

After that I usually clean my house. Laundry... I love to do laundry. I am always up for a load of laundry, especially in the morning. The sound of the washer going really makes me feel like I am up and at 'em. Then I write in my morning pages ( something I am supposed to do when I first wake up) pray, and read scriptures. My scripture study usually consists of opening a random page and reading a verse or two while I eat a meal. It is so pathetic and I have guilt over it.

As I do with a lot of things.

Next is my job in SLC ( which I don't want to talk about) then home for a quick couple of hours, then back to SLC rehearsal for the third production of the Secret Garden. I am officially sick of the Secret Garden.

But evening is when I truly have a routine, more or less. I get home from rehearsal at about 10:38. My hubby has long since gone to bed, and the puppy knows that this is his time with me. We play, he eats, I give him his Kong ( a treat- stuffed dog puzzle) check my email, phone messages, and get ready for bed. I love the nighttime and stay up way longer than I should. It's quiet and peaceful, I don't feel guilt that I should be doing something else with the day, because the day is almost over and I shouldn't be expected to start anything too strenuous before bed, should I???

My life is extremely good but I still manage to feel like the world's biggest loser. I honestly don't know what to do about that. I gotta stop it.

There you have it.

Gratitude for Today
1/My totally incredible kind supportive loving husband
2/ The new pot for my plant
3/wonderful scents ( food, spiced wassail candles, coconut lime verbena)
4/classical music
5/public radio and television

A Realization

My husband and I went on a hike today. It was a big day because I have been trying to get him to go on a hike with me for years, and I've yearned for a partner because it's not something I want to do alone-- I have rather large phobias about being attacked in the mountains, or else getting lost or something. I've dragged both of my sisters out on hikes, but I always though it would be so romantic to go with my old man. Somehow or other we both found ourselves with a day off, looking at each other and deciding what to do that didn't consist of sitting on the couch watching reruns on the DVR. I suggested a hike, and to my utter shock he agreed to go. I hurried and packed a lunch and we went on a beautiful hike with our puppy, the fall colors vivid and the cool mountain air wafting all around. We were immersed in a deep and meaningful conversation about life, all I ever dreamed of was coming true, and then.... I got cold. And man, that hike was a lot longer than I remembered-- my dog was whining, and the mountain was dark and all I could think about was my warm house and bed. I felt sort of urgent inside myself to get home, and we decided to turn around. Making our way back down I came to a sad conclusion about myself-- I don't like hiking after all. I'd much rather have stayed in bed. ( How sad is that?????)

Gratitude for Tuesday
1/ Being warm
2/ Sausage ( I wish I didn't love it so much)
3/ My new grey pants
4/ Beautiful music to sing
5/ the color orange ( Especially this time of year-- it's so intense)

Potties

I am sitting here in my office that I just spent two days painting. I am SO TIRED. I painted with my husband for quite a few years until I wisened up and got a job where I wouldn't have to slosh through mud to slink into the nearest port-a-potty shared by thirty other men from the surrounding construction sites. I wonder if that is why I have so many recurring nightmares that I am in a filthy bathroom. It has become a major phobia for me. ( That and the mud-- I hate mud) But it makes me seriously appreciate having a job with access to one of the prettiest, CLEANEST, and genteel bathrooms you've ever seen. And the toilets even flush (gasp!) and I can actually wash my hands (wow!) AND IT EVEN HAS A BUILT IN AIR FRESHENER that sneezes out sweet smells every fifteen minutes. And get this--it has a Victorian sitting area for nursing mothers with a little fireplace and everything. I don't know if life could get any better.

Gratitude:

1/ Food to eat
2/ Clothes to wear
3/ Freedom
4/My husband
5/ Feeling hopeful
6/ My dog
7/Opportunities to sing

Bye Bye Blog????

I can't believe how long it has been since my last post. Time has sped on by... I really wanted to get rid of my blog but for some reason I can't seem to do it. It would be so simple, but SOMETHING is holding me back. Maybe one day I will wake up and just delete it. I just don't really have anything to write about, and if I do have something, it isn't something I want anyone to read.

I'm kind of tired of doing things I don't want to do.


Gratitude for Friday:

1/ I am grateful I have more energy today.
2/I am grateful that Tooele is growing so at least there is one decent clothing store now, and not just WalMart.
3/I am grateful that I get to go see Seussical tomorrow night. I have never seen it, and I am really going to make more of an effort to see shows that my friends are in. I regret so much the shows I have missed because once they are over, that's it. I can go see a movie anytime.
4/ I am grateful I have two new musical albums coming in the mail. My collection is growing!
5/ I am grateful for The Firm with Sandahl Bergman. I don't know a better workout video out there.

An unwelcome guest

I went outside the other day through my front door, and I noticed a THING up in the corner of my porch roof. At first I thought it was a wasp or hornet's nest, but upon closer examination, it was NOT. It was brown, furry and bigger than anything had a right to be sitting up there like that. I thought maybe it was some sort of mutant beetle, because it was kind of rounded, but I wasn't about to find out on my own. I waited for my brave man to come home and take care of it for me. His solution was to spray the thing with the bug spray we've been using to kill all the earwigs we've been inundated with this summer ( the grodiest bugs ever-- I hate them)

The moment he hit the thing with the spray, I somehow knew exactly what it was by the way it sort of shifted. It was a little brown bat, hangin' upside down taking a nap. I think we hurt it with the bug spray, and it made me so sad because it wasn't in anyone's way up there. But we must have made it feel most unwelcome, because it left sometime during nightfall. I must say, I am glad it's gone- what do you do when someone comes to your door and a bat swoops around their head? Creepsville. I'd feel like we lived in Dracula's castle or something. But it sure was a cute little thing. Why can't bats be pets? They'd be so crazy, hanging all over your house.

Gratitude:
1/I'm grateful my sister made it back safely from Inja.
2/I'm grateful that I could get the curtains hung in my bedroom.
They look so pretty
3/I'm grateful that I am still 29 for another couple of months... hanging
on by a thread!
4/I'm grateful that my Young Women's activity is over for the month. I'm burned out.
5/ I am grateful for make-up. I know it's vain, but what do you do? It helps.

Today on Animal Rescue....

I have had many interesting animal experiences here in my crazy town. I've already written about the neighborhood- roaming pig, but did I mention the runaway goat that got stuck in my stairwell? Or the pigeon I found maliciously tied up by some sicko so it couldn't fly? Or else the peacock moseyin' around our yard????? ( I don't know the exact purpose for someone keeping a peacock, but you'd be surprised what animals people keep as pets or whatever out here.) And holy cow, how many times have there been horses on the loose around here? Scares me to death. They're so BIG.

Well, today I had an animal experience that could've happened anywhere. Some kids in my neighborhood found a wounded hummingbird sitting by the stop sign at the end of our street. It didn't move, so they picked it up. They didn't know what to do with it, so their mom told them to bring it to me. ( My neighbors think I know something about animals, I have no idea why they would think that except that I have a dog..) Anyway, I told them I would take it, without the slighest clue what to do. I looked at it for about a half an hour, then I picked it up ( so cute!) and spoonfed it some sugar water. Oh! You can't believe the adorableness! This bird was so beautiful, so trusting, and so small that I just sat there and held it for over an hour, giving it little sips of water every few minutes and petting it's tiny head. I discovered that hummingbirds have a tiny long tongue that laps? up the nectar, something I never knew before. This particular hummingbird had a row of purple feathers on the neck and looked like it was wearing a choker. It was amazing. Its favorite position when I was holding it was to perch on my finger, it's tiny talons somehow holding on and keeping balance.

After a while I decided I needed to find a place to take it to .... I remembered a bird rehabilation center I had heard about, and the sweet thing could not fly. It could flap its wings, but there was something faulty about one of them. I made a few calls and found a lady that had a wildlife rehabilition place not too far from me, so I packed up the poor thing up and took it to her. Apparently I wasn't supposed to be holding it and feeding it... she said to put it in a quiet, dark place so it wouldn't get too stressed and well, I didn't and so what do you do? Now I know better-- but I felt so glad to help the darling thing. Hummingbirds have always been a bit of an obsession with me, I think they are so amazing. Hopefully it will recover and get better, there is something so fragile and sweet about them. They're just so mini!

Anywho, that is my crazy animal experience for this month, stay tuned cuz I'm sure there will be more!

P.S. About that pigeon... I took it to the vet and we got it out of the trap and it flew away happily-- another happy bird rescue!!! Perhaps I should go into business.

Gratitude for Tuesday-
1. I'm grateful for sugar free chocolate chip cookies. ( since I stopped eating sugar, that is the thing I miss the most)
2. I'm grateful I am learning (sort of ) how to sew.
3. I'm grateful that my puppy is getting his hair cut tomorrow.
4.I'm grateful that someone else is doing it cause all he does is bite me when I try to do any grooming. Such a bad puppykins!
5. I'm grateful for central air. I am so spoiled.

True Friend

There are some people in your life who you just feel were sent specifically to be there for you... I don't know if that is true or not, but I feel it today. I don't want to sound corny and say that they are angels, but what is another word ??? Nice people who are there for you? I guess the best word for it is a friend-- of the truest kind. There is a lady in my town who is that kind of person for me... it is uncanny how she is there when I need it the most. My hubby and I sometimes just laugh at how amazing she is. She is the Young Women's President in our ward, a mother of eight, involved in just about everything you could be in, and she still has time to be my friend... and I, with my crazily non-stressful life, --- well, lets just say I am not the most perfect friend, and I could take a few pointers from her.

The main thing about living out in our small countryish town is that I don't mesh with too many people here, i.e., I don't have many friends. Sometimes I would like to know more people, but many people here are related and are very close-knit, and don't really need any outsiders like me. Then there's also the fact that I just don't get them. They are some strange kind of breed, and I start to get to know them, but then realize I don't know how to get along with their kind. I have had problems with this ever since we moved here over five years ago, and it is a great cause of grief to me, mainly because I just get lonely. Even though I have dear friends and family in Salt Lake, it really makes a difference if you can have people in your immediate proximity to depend on for some social interaction and support.
Anyway, back to my Friend. I was feeling especially leperous and lonely today ( do I repel people with my personality? I've done so before) when I went to this lady's house to borrow some keys to get into our ward building. Since I am in Young Women's with this lady I tend to see her multiple times in a week, and so when she opened the door I asked " Are you sick of me yet?" thinking she would just laugh and say something polite like, "Silly girl!" Instead, she just smiled, and gave me a HUG. Never have I needed a hug more, and never has something so small meant so much to me. It said "You are someone I like to see, someone I like to be around, and are not the pathetic loser you think you are" right when I was SURE I was the opposite. I am not going to post any gratitude today because that counts for all five....

Ennui

I got on here to write, and I have nothing to say. I decided to change my template, and now I feel like I had to write something, but there is absolutely nothing going on in my life. I guess that is what is called limbo. I am not sure what each day is going to bring. Looking back, I realize in my life I most of the time go where the wind takes me. I go through times where I am pretty good at having a routine, but that has so gone out the window anymore. It's mainly because my moods change at the speed of light, and I don't know how to make any plans because who knows what I will feel like doing two days from now. Today I might feel like being a singer, tomorrow I may want to buy a horse and take up horseback riding, then the next day I want a baby. But usually you need to have a drive and focus that keeps you going from day to day, or nothing ever happens. It takes years and planning for some things to come to fruition. Maybe that is why I am almost thirty and have never had many accomplishements or direction in life. The only thing that seems to be a constant in my life is music and theater, even that comes in spurts. I wonder if I will still be feeling this way when I am an old lady. I keep wondering when my life will start, and in reality, maybe this is all it is, just figuring it out as you go, never really knowing what the hell you are doing.

1/ I'm SO grateful Lolly is okay in Mumbai... I want her to come home.
2/I'm grateful for my nieces. They are my pals.
3/I'm grateful I don't have to work full time. That is such a blessing, cuz when else would I sing? Or cook? Or clean?
4/ I'm grateful that my sister is here from Morocco. It's so fun to have family in town.
5/I'm grateful for my car so it can get me out of this town--and back again.

Miss Piggy

I'm up in the middle of the night, being what my hubby calls me... a "little mouse". I think he calls me this because I sometimes eat cheese and crackers at night, plus I have to creep around making quiet little noises, because he is a light sleeper. I am up in the middle of the night because I slept ten hours last night, and then I took a three hour nap after church... a total of fifteen hours' sleep out of the last twenty-four. I am going through a phase these days where all I want to do is eat and sleep. Oh it drives me crazy!!!! I am so tired of being tired and hungry all the time. I am not sure what is causing it... boredom, depression ( probably), loneliness--- I can't seem to get it under control!

Speaking of eating, I am ready to start looking for an Overeater's Anonymous group near me any day now. There are a few reasons I want to do this:
#1 I am pretty sure I have food addiction.
#2 I like the whole idea of a support group-- I've really
needed one lately.
#3 I am curious to see if a twelve-step program
would work for me.
I am Miss Piggy. I hate to say this because I am trying to be kinder to myself, but I gotta face the facts. I have an embarrassing attachment to food, and I would love to see what is behind it. I know some of it has to do with the fact that I grew up in a big family, but there's more to it than that. I eat when I am happy, sad, bored, celebrating, and when I am hungry. I eat when it's cold. I use food as medicine ( "If my tummy hurts, I better eat something to make it settle down") and most of all, I use food as COMFORT. There is nothing more comforting for me than eating.

I guess I need to find another way of comforting myself.

Maybe sleeping more will do it!

5 things I am gratefee for:
1. my cute nieces and nephews.
2.my neighbors who came and mowed down all our weeds.
3.the best dad in the world-- Happy Father's Day!
4.my mom ain't so bad herself
5.my new bedding.. finally pillowcases that aren't ripped!

I just finished eating my nightly peanut butter and honey open-faced sandwich. I do not know when I am going to outgrow them. I have probably eaten an average of one peanut butter sandwich per day my entire life. Do I admit that I have a problem? Yes. It's not only the frequency with which I have eaten them that makes me know it's not normal, but it's also the fact that I have perfected the art of pb & h sandwich- making to a tee. That's sad.

Recipe for Success

2 slices sprouted wheat Grandma Sycamore bread
peanut butter (chunky--you know it)
honey

Place one slice of bread on a flat surface, and slather on a generous amount of peanut butter with a knife, taking care not to tear apart the bread. Drizzle honey on top of peanut butter, approximately one tablespoon. Spread evenly over peanut butter, top with remaining slice of bread. Place sandwich in the microwave for 25 seconds ( no more) let sit for 30 seconds. Serve with tall glass of 1% milk.

To me the only thing better than peanut butter is melted peanut butter & honey together. If that ain't comfort food, I do not know what is. Oh I'm a sick girl all right. But it's the only food that does the trick. I just remembered there is a picture of me when I am about four or five where I am holding an open-faced peanut butter sandwich with a big Miss Piggy smile on my face. Some things never change.


I am grateful for the chance I have to make new memories in a new house
I am grateful tomorrow is finally Friday. I finally got my hubby to agree hike to Timpanogos Cave with me.
I am grateful my whole family decided to join us in the fun.
I am grateful for Mozart's Requiem
I am grateful it's time to go the cabin once more. I can't wait to get up there. (maybe that is why this is my favorite time of year)

Media Overload

So I have been on the computer way past my self-imposed bedtime, reading blogs. I have never ever been on the computer more than when I started this blog. I used to avoid the internet like the plague, because my throat always tenses up, and my mild ADD kicks in because I am sitting still for more than ten minutes at a time ( the 2 1/2 hour nap I took today doesn't count for sitting still, does it?) But blogs... I could read them forever, and get totally sucked in. It's just not like me...

----OR IS IT????

Thinking back throughout my life, I have been sucked in to many various and sundry forms of media. Growing up, it was books, movies, video games, computer games, and TEE VEE. In high school I would escape the misery of that time period by watching soap operas... one summer I watched SIX HOURS of soap operas a day. My schedule would start at 10:00 am with Young and the Restless, and I would keep it going from there. 11:00- All My Children 12:00- As the World Turns 1:00 General Hospital 2:00 Another World ... I'd top it off with my all-time favorite at 3:00... Days of Our Lives. When I finally emerged from our basement, my dad would make some clever comment on the glazed look I had in my eyes. Why he didn't do anything more than comment I don't know, but I wish now that he would have intervened and somehow put a stop to it all. ( and I wonder why I have ADD)

As for movies, we would watch the same movie over and over until we had it memorized, and the strangest thing was that they were usually these old depressing movies, like Wuthering Heights w/ Laurence Olivier, and Gone with the Wind ( which is still one of my favorites ever) w/ Vivian Leigh. I just don't understand our fascination with them, and why we didn't watch normal kids movies? Anywho, then there were books... I would read romance novels for hours on the weekend ( another escape) and I remember playing Nintendo at my best friends house for hours and days it seemed, and then computer games at my other best friend's. What a childhood!

So I guess I do have a bit of a history getting sucked into time-gulping pasttimes, but somehow blogs seem to have a little more meaning than some of my other addictions. It's all about progress, not perfection, right? (I would like to add that I have been soap-free and romance-novel-free for over ten years- That's what I'm talking about)

Now it's REALLY past my bedtime.

Gratitude for today

1/ I'm grateful for the chicken curry dish I made and froze months ago...I was out of dinner ideas and it saved the day. 2/I'm grateful that I took my wedding ring in to be checked, cuz the diamond was loose (again). I hope they can fix it. 3/ I'm grateful that I could get my hair done because my grays are making me feel old. 4/ I need to be grateful that I even have hair. I would much rather be gray than bald. 5/ I am grateful that I have a built-in voice teacher for a dad.. he is the best. So is my piano playing Mom. She is always there for me. Thank you, Lord for my parents. I need to appreciate them more than I do.

Wait up, World!

I am feeling blog-deficient. I am too lazy to figure out how to put links to my site, and don't know the first thing about putting pictures in my posts. I would much rather just enjoy other people's fanciness, rather that learn. I know, I am technically retarded, and worse, I don't do anything about it. I think that is the story of my life... being behind. I don't know how to keep up with the world in general... I am always a few steps behind everyone else. I could go into detail but I won't, because when I do I fall into a deep depression, and I am already on the verge as it is.

Gratitude for today: 1/ my sweetest- ever puppy and his morning bed-hair 2/my hubby who brought me the most amazing bouquet out of the blue ( the lilies are incredible) 3/my house--it's coming together, finally! 4/my washer and dryer-- ( although I do miss my old laundromat) 5/ the color purple (not the movie)

The first apartment my hubby and I lived in when we were married was an old seventies four-plex. I loved that place. We lived on the backside away from the street, and there was a patch of grass that was never really tended to, but somehow never managed to look too mangy. The only problem it ever had was that it got really dry and yellow in the hot summer months. Since property management never really took care of it, I took it upon myself one day to see what I could do to keep it from dying. I looked around the grass and discovered that it had a sprinkling system, and so I found the valve that turned it on, and grabbed some pliers from the house, and we were in business.

This was during a pretty serious drought we had our fair state that lasted quite a few years, and during the hot summer days in July and August, you could just feel the earth cracking and drying up. The word was that you were NOT supposed to water your lawn during the day, and although it was never enforced, it was basically complied with. I think that is the implied rule even when we aren't in a drought, because I guess we live in a desert, although I didn't know deserts got so much snow.

Back to my lawn. In the middle of July on a really hot day, I went outside and walked across my parched patch of grass, and couldn't take it any more. It was so thirsty, with no relief in sight.. I broke the cardinal rule and turned the water on, even though it was high noon. But I didn't care... I needed water, the lawn needed water- drought be damned! ( I am my mother's daughter ) As I went inside to keep from getting wet, I looked out the window and saw something I had never seen before. All of a sudden, there appeared all kinds of bees, butterflies and other insects fly over the sprinklers, then dipping down in the water to get a drink. It was the coolest thing. We all needed water, and I felt so glad that I had turned them on. We all had relief from the drought, if only for a few minutes.

Julia Cameron talks about droughts in her book "The Artist's Way". She says that during droughts, "we have lost faith-- in the Great Creator and in our creative selves. ....Looking for a hopeful sign, all we see are the hulking remains of dreams that died along the path" "Droughts are terrible, droughts hurt, droughts are long, airless seasons of doubt that make us grow, give us compassion, and blossom as unexpectedly as the desert with sudden flowers."

Last night my play closed. During the past couple of months, I felt like one of those butterflies dipping themselves into the refreshing spray of water, dried up and thirsty. I have been in a singing drought for seven years, if not more. For two months my drought was over. I only hope now that I have enough ground water to last me until the next play I do, because as cheesy as it sounds, plays are my survival. Without them I wither to the ground and dry up...( yes, I 'm dramatic, what can you do?)

Gratitude for Sunday
1/sleep 2/being healthy ( I threw up all day Wednesday--no, I'm not pregnant 3/traddles (my dog) 4/my hubby making me breakfast in bed for the first time ever today (I told you Lolly--he's Changed) 5/ Springtime on Temple Square--holy crap those tulips are amazing-

Shuffle Ball Change

Oh I am so excited... I am one step (or falap) closer to taking a tap class. I FINALLY ordered some tap shoes from Dance Distributors... it's only taken me two years to fork over the cash. I have wasted so much money on stupid things that don't mean anything, when all I wanted all along were my taps. As soon as my job ends ( three days left and counting) I am on the search for an intermediate adult tap class.... wish me luck! If I can't find one then my brand new hardwood floors are going to be ruined because I won't be able to contain myself. The last time I tapped was in Nunsense last year ( "Tackle That Temptation With a Time Step") and that is twelve months too long to go without clickin' muh heels. GOTTA DANCE GOTTA DANCE GOTTA DANCE...I guess I could turn on some Gene Kelly to tide me over.

Gratitude for Wednesday ( or early Thurs morning, that is)
1) I am grateful today is over.
2) I am grateful that I didn't throw my car bill away.. I thought it was junk mail.
3) I'm SO grateful for garbage men--all you have to do is wheel out the garbage can and they swoop it away like magic!!!! ( yes, I know it goes somewhere-- we could all do better w/ recycling)
4) I am grateful for each second I am in a play ( are you sick of me talking about it already?) Every day I'm in a play is a good day.
5) Strangely enough, I will be grateful to have my life sort of back when the play is over next weekend...I never thought I would feel that way. Thank you, Lord... there is Grace after all. I don't deserve it.

P.S. I have no idea how fallap? falap? fulap? is spelled.... Please can somebody help me??

Regrets, I've had a few

There are a few things in life I would do over if I could... I'm sure we all have them. Some of my do-overs would include: my wedding day ( not the groom, just the day and the dress) about two thirds of my high school days and ALL of my junior high days. The one do-over I would like to address today is a comparitively small one-- The Funeral Outfit. I cringe to even think of it, some sixteen years later.
My paternal grandmother died very suddenly at the age of 75 in the early 1990's. My little sister would know exactly what year, I seem to think was January 1990, which would put me smack dab in the middle of my aforementioned junior high days. But it does not forgive the outfit I wore to her funeral. My parents were the kind of people who never really had much of an opinion of our clothing, except when we spent too much money on them, as there were eight of us. But as to choosing our own outfits, I had been doing that pretty much since I could dress myself. This served me pretty well until junior high when I all of a sudden went to a school with the most preppy kids you can imagine... thus my creative outfitting days were over. But when I went to the funeral I didn't have my peers to influence me as to what I put on. I don't know who my influence was, but I somehow got ahold of a short black skirt with a slit in the front, a button down white blouse, and black high heels. It sounds harmless, but add BRIGHT red lipstick, ultra boofy hair, and trunky legs and I looked like an overweight preteen trying to look like a forty year old sexy career girl. I 'm sorry to say that about myself, but so it was. I SO long to go back to that morning and tell my thirteen year -old self to reconsider and put on that floral Laura Ashley cordouroy dress I had hanging in my closet, and show some respect for my grandmother. What was I thinking? And I knew the whole day I had made the wrong choice, it isn't something I was ignorant of until later. I saw my family's confused looks, I don't think my uncle has forgiven me to this day ( I attribute his indifference it to the outfit) The funny thing is, no one said anything about it, which made it even worse. It would have been bearable if they had teased me or something, but their silence made me feel so Ashamed.

To tell you the truth, I was sort of invisible in my family, so no one probably even noticed at all...(sniff, sniff)

Maybe I wore it to get their attention.

Gratitude for Tuesday:
1/ That I could get close enough to a hawk on my walk to hear his wings flapping ( they are so elusive)
2/That I could sleep the entire day away
3/that the snow finally stopped ( it's april, already!)
4/that I have friends where there were no friends before
5/I can't think of a fifth... I am sort of sad today

About a Pig

I just realized the other day that I have not seen our neighborhood pig for a while. I am not talking about a person but the actual animal. He was pink and black, and would oink and chase me whenever my dog and I walked past his house ( at first it seriously disturbed me, but then I started to look forward to the thrill) Yes, the pig was let loose to roam around the neighborhood. Welcome to my town. He liked our driveway and my neighbors said that they would look out the window and see the pig rolling our newspaper around with his nose. ( I always wondered where it went) I started to feed it apples, but that kind of grossed me out because it would get really aggressive and slobbery. One day I think someone shot a paintball at it because it had this bright pink paint all over the side of his body. I grew to love looking outside in the street to see the pig standing there and cars driving around it looking perplexed. But now, the pig is nowhere to be seen, and I fear the worst. It really did look appetizing, and I can't believe I just said that about my little pal. It's just that I really love pork.

Gratitude for today: 1)Stand up comedians 2)that I am not bald and have to wear a wig 3) elbows ( what if you couldn't bend your arms?) 4) knees ( for the same reason) 5) splenda

Never Satisified

Two shows down, fourteen more to go.... Yes, I did end up with a dress, two actually. The main one I wear is awful to get in and out of, but it works. The other one I wear is my stage husband's real live wife's prom dress...is that just weird or what? I feel really strange wearing it. The guy who plays Archie runs his own theater in Provo, and brought a bunch of dresses for me to try on because he saw me walking around kind of lost the night when I was really sad about not having a costume. I chose this pink one that fit me really well, but he didn't tell me at the time that it was her prom dress and when she came to the show she told me and by then it was too late to change, plus I really like it. But can you understand my discomfort???

Opening night went well, so did last night, but I was in a really bad mood because I started thinking about the end of the run and just dreading the fact that I will never get another part again as long as I live. I thought.... "if I could just get the part, then I would be completely satisfied". Then when I got the part, I ran into all sorts of other problems with my voice, the rehearsals, and the dreaded Diva Who Tried To Steal My Part.( I'm still working on forgiving her...not there quite yet) Then all of those problems went away, and all the problems with lighting and sound came up, and I thought... "I will be satisfied if we could just start the run of the show". Well, we started the run, and it has been the most amazing experience even with all the crap that has gone on. Our cast is really close, and the music is so beautiful, and I have never been happier, but I can't be completely satisified because three weeks ITS GOING TO END. It's all a dream from which I am going to wake up and wish I could go back to sleep. I am not looking forward to it at all. I don't know why I can't just focus on the present... I'm either rehashing and regretting the past, or dreading the future. And since acting is all about being in the moment I've got a lot to learn! Am I the only one?

Gratitude for Sunday
1/ I'm grateful for the lilies I bought the other day... their scent is permeating the entire house. I think it's the same kind of flower in that was in my bridal bouquet.
2/I'm grateful that I have a part for the month of April.
3/I'm grateful that my appetite has been a bit smaller so I am not wanting to eat everything in sight all the time.
4/I'm grateful that I could forgive myself for being an idiot last night after the show ( I still need to apologize to my friend- she probably thinks I'm such a brat)
5/I'm grateful that we sang all my favorite hymns in church today. I get really sick of "How Great Thou Art"

Dress Rehearsal???

It's getting close... Five hours till the big dress rehearsal for my play. The problem??? I don't have a dress yet! For those of you who have been in plays you know my dilemma. And for those of you who know how vain I am...Well, you can imagine my agony. The Secret Garden is of course set at the turn of the century ( the last turn of the century.. I guess we have to specify which one now) and I need to run the show with a dress so as to figure out how to maneuver it w/ out tripping all over the place. ( I have already fallen off the stage once during rehearsals and that was in jeans) The character I'm playing is supposed to be this graceful floating ghost...It won't do to have her clumsy, it just won't. I have tried on costume after costume, they are mostly too tight (which isn't so hot for the body image) or too loose, or they have gargantuan stains all over them, or they are just plain awful. Yes, this is community theater, so I can't expect much, but all the other ladies in the play have these really pretty ruffly dresses and they didn't save any for me!!! Do you know how important it is to feel pretty at a time like this??? It may sound so superficial, but it MATTERS. But no one in the play can know that because then they will know how vain I really am. It's embarrassing. But I have to be honest about it to someone so I can move one with life!

Maybe if I put my focus on the performance instead of my appearance, all will fall into place (and not off the stage)

Gratitude for Tuesday:
1) I am grateful for the big beautiful cloud that covered the sun while I was on my walk today (there are no trees here and although I love the sun dearly it gets bright)
2) I am grateful my friend could be in this play w/ me ( we have tried to be in the same play for years)
3) I am grateful that I can hear and that the meadowlark are back for the spring to sing to me
4) I am grateful for second chances
5) I am grateful for pansies

Choice and Accountablity

I just finished e-mailing the director of the NATSAA competition I entered back in December. (National Association for Teachers of Singing Awards A?? something) I let her know that I had to withdraw. I told her it was for "personal problems and conflicts that have prevented me from preparing and attending the audition" It's actually because I got my DREAM part in a musical and I tried at first to do both but I blew a gasket and had to decide between the competition and the play. And I discovered just today that I made the right choice. I know I did because I made the decision a month ago, and haven't even thought about the competition since. I have been so engrossed in the role and in rehearsals, and as we get closer to opening night I am so excited I can hardly wait. I usually dread opening night like this book I read when I was little featuring Grover from Sesame Street. He is frantically trying to keep you from finishing the book because there is a monster at the end. He tries to stop you from turning the pages by building a brick wall, tying ropes around the page, and warning you of the dire consequences at the end of the book on every page. That book always freaked me out, even though the monster ends up being Grover himself. Anyway, that's how opening night usually is for me, but now...bring it on, man, I am ready. Even if it is a total failure, I am so grateful for the opportunity to FINALLY play this part I have always wanted. And with the cutthroat sopranos in this world of community theater I never thought I'd actually get cast. It's a blasted miracle.

So goodbye NATS Competition, hello Secret Garden. I have no regrets. Except for the fact that I brought up Grover this late at night. He is so scary.. (remember Super Grover? Yikes!)

*** Gratitude for today 1. peanut butter (a great laxative) 2. Theater friends 3. My $5 blue pj's from Target 4. Singing 5. inner peace after an inner storm****

I just received an email from my oldest neighbor and friend who just recently moved to California. I really miss her! Up until less than a year ago both our parents still lived right next to each other, but her mom sold her house and a new family moved in, and I feel like all our ties are dwindling, so it was so good to hear from her. She is an expert blogger and I didn't want to give her my address because she will laugh at me, as will everyone who knows how to write if they ever happen upon this. Oh well... I don't dread being laughed at nearly as much as I used to. Which is good since I do more idiotic things the older I get. It's so freeing!

Speaking of freeing, mainly what I wanna say today is...I HATE MY JOB. I actually just quit it today, so the five things I am grateful for are:

1) I quit my crappy job, and maybe now I will really get pregnant.
2) I quit my crappy job, and now I will not have a knot in my stomach all the time.
3) I quit my crappy job, and now maybe I won't stress eat myself into an even bigger pants size (again)
4) I quit my crappy job, and now I will have time (yeah right) to do my once a month cooking.
5)I quite my crappy job, and I will be more bearable to be around (Sorry honey!)

It's amazing how much more I hate my job now that I have quit.

hello out there

So I can't believe I am writing this... It's not like me to be online. I love reading from my sisters blog since she is so far away... maybe it's another way we can keep in touch. I just received a shipment from her... one I have been anxiously awaiting and I am so glad it came on my day off. It's two pairs of knockoff D&B sunglasses she got for me in NYC where she lives now. She wore a pair home when she was visiting for Christmas and they are the perfect sunglasses. They are light and comfortable, the lenses are the perfect shade ( not too dark and depressing), and I never want to take them off.
I want to visit my sister. I miss her, and I miss New York. If my hubby liked to travel, maybe we could get back there more. As it is I have only been able to visit her once since we got married. I used to travel a lot more than I do now. I am okay with it most times though... I am getting terribly unadventurous in my old age. We don't have kids yet, so you'd think that we would be living it up, but we are the most boring couple ever. We don't do anything but watch recorded reruns of Malcom in the Middle (which is actually the highlight of my day lots of times--I love Hal) If we didn't live so far from everything maybe things would be different.

I know I am writing this all wrong. I'm sure most people are very clever and articulate but I am just a stream of consciousness writer now, thanks to years of morning pages. I never follow a thought through, and I wouldn't know how to start.

I want to end all my posts w/ five things I am grateful for... I try keeping a gratitude journal but I always have like five different notebooks to write in, so I get confused and forget to do it.

1) I'm grateful that I didn't have to work w/ the old man today. Not that I don't love him, but I really needed a day off.
2)I'm grateful I could take my puppy for a nice long walk today. He is too cooped up all the time and I feel so good when I can take him out. He is so cute and perky and I love to see the world through his little black eyes. I want to eat him.
3)I'm grateful for the internet. I got so many things done and since I am a least 35 miles from any store, I save so much time shopping online, and it is so EASY! (Maybe too easy!)
4) I am grateful that I have a car payment. I have never had a new enough car to have a car payment, and I feel like a real person. (like Mottel the taylor in Fiddler on the Roof when he finally gets a sewing machine)
5)Speaking of sewing machines, I am grateful that I finally have a sewing machine. I have never had one of my own, and although it's way seventies and probably as old as I am, it's a Bernina, and the kind I learned on, and for as much as I sew, it's all I need. Thanks Tiina(no, that is not a misspelling, it's really how she spells her name cuz she's from Finland and she's the one that gave me her old sewing machine) Now I can finally finish the Sunbonnet Sue quilt that has been sitting there for six years.