Thursday, August 02, 2007

The Great Dupression

Please, if anyone is reading this, ignore the time of day I am writing. It starts to get embarrassing when the only time I find to write is in the middle of the night- I am sure my posts would be much more coherent if they were written during normal business hours.

Anyway- these days, I am THE SAD KING. My dad owns a publishing company that publishes educational materials, and growing up we worked at his office- most of us kids. We put together books to ship to schools, and one of the books was titled THE SAD KING. The cover was red with a simple illustration of this cute little king of some land, who was SAD. My sister Lolly probably remembers the story of The Sad King, but all I recall is how we laughed at the title, and for years have used it in our repertoire of inside jokes. For instance, the other day Lolly and I went to the movie "La Vie en Rose". If you have seen it you may know why, when the movie ended, she declared in a mournful voice that she was The Sad King. It was a really depressing movie. I don't have any right to be sad since my life wasn't nearly as hard as Edith Piaf's, but in my own little way, I have hard things to deal with that are getting me down. It's been almost eight years since I was diagnosed w/ bipolar disorder, and I am still trying to figure out how to deal with the sads. I never quite get used to it, and I still can't seem to find a medication that helps. It's rather frustrating, because I have tried most of them out there. I haven't been in a depression that has lasted this long that I can recall. I usually have something that pulls me out of it sooner or later, but for the past year, I have just basically been trying to keep my head above water. It could have something to do with:
1. another year of trying & not getting preggers ( man it's getting old- time to adopt)
2. my husband deciding to opt out of the whole church-going Mormon thing
3. general everyday stress (which I don't handle well, even in the best of situations.)

Whatever the cause, I am just not reacting positively to fear and pain. I pretty much have been avoiding situations and people who might trigger the sads- baby showers, church activities, (sometimes church in general) friends w/ kids, etc, etc. Its not that I actually feel sad that I don't have a baby ( I actually feel relieved at times) it's just that I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I HATE that. I never understood it when people said they don't want pity- until recently. Because lately I have been getting a bit of pity, and it is humiliating to the extreme. Yes, I want someone to talk to who will listen IF I feel like talking about things, but I don't want to be felt sorry for. As you may have gathered from certain previous posts, I do that pretty well for myself. So I probably am not helping matters by isolating myself, but I just can't deal with it, not right now.

Lolly and I have a song we made up when we were little ( or did Jill make it up???) Anyway, the lyrics are simple:
"I'm Saaaaad, I'm Saaaaad"

You sing this twice, with a minor third interval jump between the I'm and the Saaaad. It also has really nerdy choreography that involves a spreading of the arms and a sort of tilting thing with your head....and somehow it expresses the state of anguish rather well. It also can't help but distract you- you can't sound and look that mojected without cracking up a little. And if you want to nerd it up even more, you are welcome to close your eyes when your singin' it, really get into it. Yes sir.

Gratitude for the middle of the night:
1/I'm grateful that I don't feel as jealous of Stephenie Meyer as I did earlier tonight. I wish I could be her, but the stabs of envy have subsided a little. I need to stop looking at her website, although I will not stop reading her books over and over, not yet. God give me the strength to quite comparing myself to ANYONE, not just highly accomplished authors of really good vampire novels.

That's all I've got.