A brilliant discovery

My discovery today is that when I go the Wal-Mart without makeup on, it triggers something in my universe that says, " Go on, Wal-mart cashier, make a big mistake on my transaction so I can flip out at you in the most unattractive way possible". This has happened more than once, and today was a telltale sign that this is becoming a pattern. There is something about the customer service in Tooele that grates on my nerves so intensely that I try to avoid the place altogether. If I weren't so far from stores in general, I wouldn't be at the mercy of my local Wal-mart or any store in Tooele, but I am. Why does it have to happen on the days when I don't wear any makeup??? I looked ghastly today. G H A S T L Y. My play opens tonight in which I play a woman in a concentration camp, and I purposely did not put on an ounce of make-up. And I was up until 5:00 this morning because my esophagus does this funky thing where it constricts around the throat area and I cannot sleep ( inevitably a cold follows - it's my little getting sick routine ). So I have these fabulous dark PUFFY circles under my eyes, my skin is sallow, I have zits, and the effect is just what I want for my character tonight. But not what I want when I go to the Tooele Wal-Mart. Because, like I said, I have this thing where I flip out. My little sister has a thing with the New York Transit system where she occasionally flips out ( you know what I am talking about, Lolly?) Well, my flip outs are the same as hers are, only with my local cashiers.

I am flipping out in general. Months of working all day, being in a rehearsal all night, church callings, commuting, my house being a disaster all the time, being sick, being grouchy- I am sort of reaching a breaking point. It doesn't exactly feel like it until I look at my behavior and realize (with the matter-of-fact observation of my husband) that maybe am not the horrible person I think I am, maybe I am just tired. Maybe that is what all mean people are, just tired. Cause that is why I was mean today.

I finally got to sleep at around 5:30 this morning ( yay!), only to be awakened by the doorbell and the dog's subsequent barking at 6:30 a.m.... GRRRRRRR. My husband's employee. I have a vague recollection of waking up and being annoyed, but I have no memory of calling this nice, hardworking employee a f...ing a..hole. Which apparently is what I said about him, to my husband, in my sleep.

I am now dropping the f-bomb in my sleep. And I teach Primary kids songs about Jesus.

Nice.

Gratitude for Thursday:

I am so grateful for dancing. It is one thing in my life that comes fairly naturally to me. Everything else is such an uphill battle. I have had so much fun dancing in this play.

I am grateful for central air.

I am grateful that I have next week off work.

But I am also very grateful for my job.

I am grateful that the huge truck that almost hit me last night didn't. It would have been my fault, and I would have been in the hospital today instead of losing it at the Wal-Mart. I am glad it worked out the way it did. I need to be more careful on the roads.

A fall from grace

I ate sugar today.

Those of you who know me know that I do NOT eat sweets with refined sugar in them.

I have eaten sugar on purpose.

I've had accidents before.

This was not an accident.

My neighbor brought by a pina colada shake.

I drank it.

Moments later another neighbor came by with some beautiful Finnish pastries.

I was home alone.

I ate four of them.

I ATE FOUR OF THEM.

Was it worth it, you say???

Oh my no.

Aside from feelings of self-disgust, I'm sporting a killer headache, intense irritability, and my stomach has bloated up like a pillow. I also am rather hopped up so sleep isn't going to come for a while. All of these great reminders to NEVER do that again. What was I thinking??? I think I just forgot what it does to me. Now I remember.

Sugar is no good for me, no good, no good.
I need to eat sugar free, for good, for good.

I can't believe I didn't erase that.

Gratitude:
1/Clouds to cover up the blaring sun
2/sugar free sweets
3/my pretty petunias on the front porch
4/petzyme
5/a good hair day