Ferally I say unto you...

I just finished dispensing scoopfuls of food to my feral cats for dinner. These are big scoops, because I have nine of them to feed. Nine. And please don't ask me about the ordeal I went through a few weeks ago trapping them to take them in to get fixed. It wasn't fun. No, no. Okay fine, I'll tell you...

I about flipped out when the mama cat responsible for seven of my nine cats (picured above)came out of her anesthesia and bashed her head repeatedly against the cage she was being held in. And I mean BASHED. She was hysterically panting and bloody, and I had no other choice than to let her out because I thought she was gonna kill herself in there. But once I let her out I realized it was worse to free her. She was still woozy from the drugs, and when she tried to run away from the big scary human responsible for her condition, she just kind of flipped around. She got tangled up in the fence, did some somersaults, and basically just druggedly wound her way as far from me as possible. But there was nothing I could do but try and catch her, because I couldn't let a cat that had just been trapped, held overnight, cut open, sewn up and drugged out into the mercies of the wild. It was SO TRAUMATIC. It was the worst out of control feeling ever- to just let that poor cat out. The rest of the cats were just fine when I let them out, and they were all back to normal the very next day. There was no sign that they had been through any trauma at all except that the little tips of their left ears were now cut off. The universal sign of a feral cat. ( this was why mama cat was all bloody- she reopened her ear wound from all the head bashing) Anyway, I cried myself to sleep a few days later when mama cat still hadn't resurfaced. I thought she was dead for sure. How happy I was when she showed her beautiful orange and white face the next evening at dinnertime. It's been about a month since that event, and she must not be too mad at me, because I still see her sweet face in my back door window.

It's been a year since I started feeding this mama cat, at the time she had one little kitten with her. She still won't let me come near her, and now she knows her instincts were correct. I wish she would forget about it, forgive me, and move on. It was the only thing to do, because she needs to stop having a litter every year (or more, who knows!) I would have had fifty cats back there by next year, and there is no affording cat food for that many cats. As it is , I still have one more female to catch- I have fixed eight of the nine. If I don't get that last one trapped and fixed, I could have more on my hands this time next year. It's out of control, I tell you.

At long last

I just received an email from my nephew who told me I needed to update my blog- I decided to do it today so I didn't get all the way into December before I wrote again. My life has been totally crazy, and I haven't had one ounce of time or energy to write anything but papers for school. It has been my first semester back in years, and I am so so glad that it's almost over. It's a miracle that I have lasted the entire semester without dropping my classes-and I don't mean that lightly. It is a total miracle. I think three is the right amount of classes for me to take right now, because I feel like I am making some progress, but I am not too burned out that I don't want to return. ( I'm already registered for next semester- another complete miracle)
As far as other things that have happened in the last three months, I can't really think of anything because it's all been school and work. Yikes! I sound so NORMAL! Oh well!

Gratitude for Today
1/ I'm grateful that I could somehow find the energy to do my Kathy Smith workout today.
2/I'm grateful for my flannel sheets- I put them on yesterday and they are so cosy and clean.
3/I'm grateful for my house. I have been doing a paper on homeless teenagers, and I don't know what I would do if I didn't have anywhere to go. Seriously.
4/ I am grateful that I can hear. It would be so hard to be deaf.
5/ I am thinking this is kind of a cheesy thing to do , writing what I am thankful for in every post. Is it too cheesy? Oh well. I am grateful for cheese- with no sugar in my diet (except for when I cheat) cheese really curbs my sweet tooth.

Lame reruns

So I was just reading some old posts and realized that this is the second time I have written about my throat constrictions, and also the second time I have written about my Wal-mart escapades. I think I've said all there is to say, when I start repeating that lame stuff.... Is it possible to delete a blog? I thougth I saw a button somewhere. My life is just one bad rerun after another.

I am afraid to go to sleep tonight. I am afraid to try, because the past couple of nights I have just tossed and turned, and I start to get afraid of my bedroom, because I know what to look foward to in there. Insomniac experts will tell you something I already know- if you have trouble sleeping, leave the bedroom. This will prevent your bedroom from being a place of stress. I already figured that one out. I want to keep my bedroom a happy sleepy place, and it just isn't that for me lately. So I leave as soon as I know it's not gonna happen for me.
Tonight I am doubly wary of my ability to fall asleep, because I am getting a cold. There are a few things that REALLY keep me from sleep, and one of them is a cold. Specifically, the thing that happens that I call "the constriction". I get this tightening thing going on when the cold moves down into my esophogas and squeezes it. I can't really describe it any other way, but it's the pits. I think the anticipation I feel when it starts is worse than anything. All at once, my dreams of a good night's sleep are out the window, and I just have to move on to other things besides slumber. I know you probably don't want to hear my throat woes, but there you have it.

You know another thing that keeps me awake? When my knees are cold. It's the most dumb thing ever, and I hate that I just wrote it out loud.

Gratitude for Monday-

1/ I had another confrontation at Wal Mart when I tried to take my dog in with me, but this one had a happy ending. I didn't leave in a huge huff. We worked it out, the greeter and me. It was cool, even if it was a little stressful and I did sort of cry. But it has been a lot worse, and though this could have been, it wasn't. Maybe there's hope for me, after all!
2/I don't what my life would be like if I hadn't discovered "The Office." I would probably get along just fine, but I can't stand how funny that show is.
3/I'm grateful I am in school again. It's an adjustment and my brain kind of hurts being used after years of atrophy, but I am seriously grateful in so many ways.
4/I'm grateful for clean sheets.
5/I'm grateful that this day is over and I am home.

The Great Dupression

Please, if anyone is reading this, ignore the time of day I am writing. It starts to get embarrassing when the only time I find to write is in the middle of the night- I am sure my posts would be much more coherent if they were written during normal business hours.

Anyway- these days, I am THE SAD KING. My dad owns a publishing company that publishes educational materials, and growing up we worked at his office- most of us kids. We put together books to ship to schools, and one of the books was titled THE SAD KING. The cover was red with a simple illustration of this cute little king of some land, who was SAD. My sister Lolly probably remembers the story of The Sad King, but all I recall is how we laughed at the title, and for years have used it in our repertoire of inside jokes. For instance, the other day Lolly and I went to the movie "La Vie en Rose". If you have seen it you may know why, when the movie ended, she declared in a mournful voice that she was The Sad King. It was a really depressing movie. I don't have any right to be sad since my life wasn't nearly as hard as Edith Piaf's, but in my own little way, I have hard things to deal with that are getting me down. It's been almost eight years since I was diagnosed w/ bipolar disorder, and I am still trying to figure out how to deal with the sads. I never quite get used to it, and I still can't seem to find a medication that helps. It's rather frustrating, because I have tried most of them out there. I haven't been in a depression that has lasted this long that I can recall. I usually have something that pulls me out of it sooner or later, but for the past year, I have just basically been trying to keep my head above water. It could have something to do with:
1. another year of trying & not getting preggers ( man it's getting old- time to adopt)
2. my husband deciding to opt out of the whole church-going Mormon thing
3. general everyday stress (which I don't handle well, even in the best of situations.)

Whatever the cause, I am just not reacting positively to fear and pain. I pretty much have been avoiding situations and people who might trigger the sads- baby showers, church activities, (sometimes church in general) friends w/ kids, etc, etc. Its not that I actually feel sad that I don't have a baby ( I actually feel relieved at times) it's just that I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I HATE that. I never understood it when people said they don't want pity- until recently. Because lately I have been getting a bit of pity, and it is humiliating to the extreme. Yes, I want someone to talk to who will listen IF I feel like talking about things, but I don't want to be felt sorry for. As you may have gathered from certain previous posts, I do that pretty well for myself. So I probably am not helping matters by isolating myself, but I just can't deal with it, not right now.

Lolly and I have a song we made up when we were little ( or did Jill make it up???) Anyway, the lyrics are simple:
"I'm Saaaaad, I'm Saaaaad"

You sing this twice, with a minor third interval jump between the I'm and the Saaaad. It also has really nerdy choreography that involves a spreading of the arms and a sort of tilting thing with your head....and somehow it expresses the state of anguish rather well. It also can't help but distract you- you can't sound and look that mojected without cracking up a little. And if you want to nerd it up even more, you are welcome to close your eyes when your singin' it, really get into it. Yes sir.

Gratitude for the middle of the night:
1/I'm grateful that I don't feel as jealous of Stephenie Meyer as I did earlier tonight. I wish I could be her, but the stabs of envy have subsided a little. I need to stop looking at her website, although I will not stop reading her books over and over, not yet. God give me the strength to quite comparing myself to ANYONE, not just highly accomplished authors of really good vampire novels.

That's all I've got.

The GROWTH

It has not been the best week of my life. It all started off with a yucky audition on Sunday that I don't really want to talk about. I think that I am finally starting to recover, six days later. Nothing like an audition to make you feel like a loser. Not that I don't already feel that way all the time anyway. But it is just made glaringly obvious during an audition; whereas at other times, it is merely a vague awareness. A vague awareness, like a growth on the side of my head that I can't seem to get rid of. That everyone else can see, except me, although I can feel it. At times I do my best to disguise it-- pretend that it is really not there, cover it up-- but somehow ( like at an audition) my cover gets blown, and it's all out there for everyone to gape at. Except that it's more like they avert their eyes and try to ignore the growth. Ignore the loserness.

I really know how to feel sorry for myself, don't I??? It's one of my unloseriest traits. I'm good at that, at least. I wonder if that is why I keep auditioning, to find ways to feel sorry for myself when I don't get the part. I may have too much fun pity-partying in my head to give it up. It's quite a bash, you should come sometime. ( whoever you are)

Gratitude for Friday

1. I'm grateful that I reached my goal for the day- Exercise for 1/2 hour-
Hopefully tomorrow I will have reached my goal for the week, too.
2. I'm grateful that I haven't had much of an appetite this week- It's a nice switch
to actually be able to turn down food!
3. I'm grateful that Weber State University is a feasible commute
from my house- maybe I can actually go!
4. I'm grateful that I caught my dog before he went #2 on my neighbor's yard. They were sitting out on their front porch, watching him circle around on their grass... Whew! Close call! ( yet so embarrassing.)
5. I'm grateful that I feel like singing again.

A brilliant discovery

My discovery today is that when I go the Wal-Mart without makeup on, it triggers something in my universe that says, " Go on, Wal-mart cashier, make a big mistake on my transaction so I can flip out at you in the most unattractive way possible". This has happened more than once, and today was a telltale sign that this is becoming a pattern. There is something about the customer service in Tooele that grates on my nerves so intensely that I try to avoid the place altogether. If I weren't so far from stores in general, I wouldn't be at the mercy of my local Wal-mart or any store in Tooele, but I am. Why does it have to happen on the days when I don't wear any makeup??? I looked ghastly today. G H A S T L Y. My play opens tonight in which I play a woman in a concentration camp, and I purposely did not put on an ounce of make-up. And I was up until 5:00 this morning because my esophagus does this funky thing where it constricts around the throat area and I cannot sleep ( inevitably a cold follows - it's my little getting sick routine ). So I have these fabulous dark PUFFY circles under my eyes, my skin is sallow, I have zits, and the effect is just what I want for my character tonight. But not what I want when I go to the Tooele Wal-Mart. Because, like I said, I have this thing where I flip out. My little sister has a thing with the New York Transit system where she occasionally flips out ( you know what I am talking about, Lolly?) Well, my flip outs are the same as hers are, only with my local cashiers.

I am flipping out in general. Months of working all day, being in a rehearsal all night, church callings, commuting, my house being a disaster all the time, being sick, being grouchy- I am sort of reaching a breaking point. It doesn't exactly feel like it until I look at my behavior and realize (with the matter-of-fact observation of my husband) that maybe am not the horrible person I think I am, maybe I am just tired. Maybe that is what all mean people are, just tired. Cause that is why I was mean today.

I finally got to sleep at around 5:30 this morning ( yay!), only to be awakened by the doorbell and the dog's subsequent barking at 6:30 a.m.... GRRRRRRR. My husband's employee. I have a vague recollection of waking up and being annoyed, but I have no memory of calling this nice, hardworking employee a f...ing a..hole. Which apparently is what I said about him, to my husband, in my sleep.

I am now dropping the f-bomb in my sleep. And I teach Primary kids songs about Jesus.

Nice.

Gratitude for Thursday:

I am so grateful for dancing. It is one thing in my life that comes fairly naturally to me. Everything else is such an uphill battle. I have had so much fun dancing in this play.

I am grateful for central air.

I am grateful that I have next week off work.

But I am also very grateful for my job.

I am grateful that the huge truck that almost hit me last night didn't. It would have been my fault, and I would have been in the hospital today instead of losing it at the Wal-Mart. I am glad it worked out the way it did. I need to be more careful on the roads.

A fall from grace

I ate sugar today.

Those of you who know me know that I do NOT eat sweets with refined sugar in them.

I have eaten sugar on purpose.

I've had accidents before.

This was not an accident.

My neighbor brought by a pina colada shake.

I drank it.

Moments later another neighbor came by with some beautiful Finnish pastries.

I was home alone.

I ate four of them.

I ATE FOUR OF THEM.

Was it worth it, you say???

Oh my no.

Aside from feelings of self-disgust, I'm sporting a killer headache, intense irritability, and my stomach has bloated up like a pillow. I also am rather hopped up so sleep isn't going to come for a while. All of these great reminders to NEVER do that again. What was I thinking??? I think I just forgot what it does to me. Now I remember.

Sugar is no good for me, no good, no good.
I need to eat sugar free, for good, for good.

I can't believe I didn't erase that.

Gratitude:
1/Clouds to cover up the blaring sun
2/sugar free sweets
3/my pretty petunias on the front porch
4/petzyme
5/a good hair day

It's embarrassing that I am writing this @ 4:20 a.m... Yes, I am one of those people who write when they can't sleep. It seems to be the only time that I feel like writing. I have been really sick the past few days. I have been so glad to be sick, strangely enough. It has been an excuse to be home in bed, somewhere that I have not been enough lately. So although I was so happy to have slept all day yesterday, it has screwed up my sleeping schedule so I am awake all night. It doesn't help that my DOG had to wake me up to go out- otherwise I might have been asleep instead. I am not happy with that little prince. Sometimes I love him, other times he is so annoyingly spoiled I just want to... well, I don't want to say because it sounds like animal cruelty. But I think I am guilty of animal cruelty anyway by how terribly I have spoiled that dog. There is no hope for him.

I haven't written in a really long time because I have been incredibly overscheduled since April. I was in Proof which played the first two weekends in May, and now I am in another production called Who Will Carry the Word which plays at the end of June. Whenever I am in a play it just puts my life into a whole new level of chaos- I am so tired ALL OF THE TIME and I get so sick of not having any energy. I don't know that I would be any less tired if I weren't committed to these projects. It just frustrates me to no end to have to drag myself around ALL OF THE TIME. Performing takes the most energy out of me than anything else I have been involved in in my life. Not necessarily the actual performing, but the preparation, the rehearsal, the thinking and gearing up for the performance, not to mention late night rehearsals to throw off my already erratic sleeping schedule. And then on top of that, this next one I'm in has me doin' modern dance. So now I'm sore as well. And I feel like I'm going to get struck by lightening or something by complaining, because there have been so many times in my life where I would have killed to be in a show, and here I am whiningI about it. I am the classic personality who is never satisfied, even when I get what I want. Which is why I made sure to include gratitude in my blog, so I can work on that defect, however small the attempt may be.

Gratitude :
1/ I'm grateful that I don't have rehearsal till next Tuesday
2/I'm grateful that my hubby cleaned the living room
3/I'm grateful that my boss is so flexible with me
4/Food
5/Sleep

Meandering milk

Yesterday there was a cow in my backyard. When I first saw it, it was just sitting there, on the back half of the acre. The funny thing is, it took me a minute to realize it probably shouldn't be there. It looked so natural and relaxed- very at home. I am so used to having strange animals around ( as you may have discovered in me previous posts) that I didn't immediately feel panicked like I did a few years ago when there was a goat down my stairwell. But that's another story. Although... both the goat and cow stories have striking similarities. Both times I called the cops, both times they told me that Wally, the guy who is equipped to come and collect large animals, ( like cows and goats) only works every other day. And wouldn't you know it, both times happened to be Wally's day off, so I am stuck with a large animal that I have no idea what to do with. And both times the animals wandered off. Because both times I tried to get near them and tie them up till help could come, they would run away. I wrote our local paper a sort of gripey letter back during the goat incident, saying that we needed better animal control. The sheriff's department called me all concerned because they printed my letter in the editorial section and apparently made them look bad, which I really didn't mean to do. I was just mad that I had spent an hour cleaning up after the goat's poopies in my stairwell. I had to vent to somebody, and a letter to the editor seemed like the natural place to send it. But here's the funny thing: when the sheriff's department called me back when they discovered my letter about the goat, they told me they would get better equipment to collect stray animals larger than dogs... BUT THEY DIDN"T. Because when I talked to Deputy whoever yesterday ( four years later) about the cow, they said they couldn't come get him because they didn't have the equipment to collect large farm animals. Isn't that just like politics? Makin' us all these promises they don't intend to keep, just to get our votes. I am so disillusioned. All over a cow.


Gratitude for April 4
1/creative outlets
2/my job
3/pansies
4/another day w/my puppy
5/Hires french fries ( I always have to add some kind of food)

Sludge

It is snowing today and I am highly upset. I can relate very well to the wet cats sitting across the street on my neighbors porch. They are so miserable. It's one of those wet, soggy, sloshy snows and for some reason it is out to get me. It has gotten under my skin from the moment I woke up. I've known and have been preparing mentally for this storm for a week, so you'd think I would have accepted it by now. I haven't. It's time for spring to come and to stay, so I can go outside, and do the "dump in my backyard" clean-up. Yes, I have a miniature landfill that is located about thirty yards from the back of my house. Old rusted metal, barbed wire, tires, boards, you name it, it has been laying there rusting for who knows how many years before we moved here. I think that is one of the reasons we got our land for such a great deal. Somehow it hasn't bothered me as much as I thought it would. When we first moved in, we called the county health department to put the heat on our neighbors to get rid of it. ( the pile straddles the property line between us, but it's their pile...) Anyway, their solution was to light it on fire, which reduced it to about half it's size. Now all that is left is the inflammable material, and that never did get cleaned up. I guess the county gave up on their threatenings. I am secretly glad they did, because I have decided this spring to clean it up myself, since obviously I am the only one around here that wants it gone. Each week I fill the garbage can up with the refuse, and slowly but surely it is getting a bit smaller. There are a few huge pieces that we will have to haul to the dump, but I am having so much fun. Since we don't have our landscaping put in yet, there hasn't been any reason for me to work outside, and now this dump pile has given me an excuse. It also is extremely satisfying, getting rid of crap that has been sitting there rusting for years. I take my puppy out with me, and we enjoy the beautiful spring weather, the meadowlarks singing, the sun shining down on us...

Then all of a sudden, it decides to stop being spring and snow sogginess all over the place. Grrrrrr.

Woe is me

So this month I am a costumer. How did I get here? I am a costumer who cannot sew. Okay, here's the story. I am in a play for a brand new theater company of which I am a part. By that I mean that I actually have a part in their very first play, "Arcadia", and I am an ensemble member, which means that I take part in bi-monthly workshops, and such. The group is called the Pinnacle Acting Company, and I am actually not sure how on earth I got hooked up with it. Yes, I've been performing quite steadily the past few years, but things have taken a direction I am not sure I want to go in, but that I am also rather excited about. Or at least I thought I was excited... right now I am really overwhelmed and tired. Because , as I said, I am also in charge of costumes, and it has turn into a much more massive project than I ever dreamed, and I feel drained and lonesome as a result. Why does costuming make me feel lonely??? I do not like to be in charge for one thing. I want people to take care of me, not me taking care of them! Costumers are notorious in the theater world for being very grouchy and mean, and I am starting to understand why. It is dang hard to find everybody something that fits, and to find time to fit them and to find something that is the correct time period... I have been all over town pulling costumes and I don't even feel like I have scratched the surface. I should look at the bright side, see all that I have accomplished so far, but all I can think about is how much more I have to do. And that is just the costumes-then there is the memorizing of lines, character development, selling tickets, printing programs, and dealing with my feelings of complete inadequacy as an actor and just a freakin' person in general. What was that noise? I think I hear violins playing for me... waa waa.

I told you this is where I come to vent...

Gratitude for Friday-
1/Bunny tracks sugar-free ice cream
2/the fact that I did find some perfect
costumes for my character today
3/the other fact that its Friday
4/my cute new haircut & color- it was
way past time
5/my cute dad